“How do I build resilience?” and “how can I be more resilient?” are two of the most common questions I get asked. Sometimes queries like this come through Instagram or my website. Other times they are blurted out in person, as if someone was almost ashamed to have to ask them. Every time this happens there is usually a knowledge gap over what resilience really is – and because of that, quite a lot of misunderstanding in terms of how to have more of it.
Building resilience starts with..
Understanding what you’re trying to create. If you think resilience is just gritting your teeth and getting through the tough times or forcing yourself to carry on in a hard situation then it probably seems very out of reach. The first thing to learn about resilience is that the benefit of having it is often that you’re able to be tenacious when things get tough – but that’s not actually resilience. Simply going rigid and refusing to quit isn’t resilience.
Actually, resilience is fluid – it’s the flexibility that allows you to adapt when something doesn’t go your way – and it’s built on self-compassion. It’s that gentle flexibility – the “ok this is hard and it’s fine to feel sad/anxious/depressed. How can I help myself through this – and go on to thrive” – that gives you the ability to stay grounded and strong. So, when it comes to being more resilient it’s much less about building strength and much more about learning how to be self-compassionate and care for yourself when times get tough. This becomes doubly important to learn in life if you weren’t modelled how to do this as a child.
Resilience is a practice
This is the other big myth that we seem to have around the concept of resilience – that it’s a personality trait and some people are simply more resilient than others. But the reality is that building resilience is a daily practice. Like confidence – or anything that you want to get good at – it requires constant attention and improvement. Do your daily habits contribute to resilience or undermine it? Are your core beliefs feeding you the idea that you’re worthy and capable or not? Do you have a critical inner voice that constantly triggers anxiety or a nurturing inner voice that keeps you calm? Another way to think of it is a muscle that needs to be specifically exercised on a regular basis. It doesn’t just exist, you need to intentionally grow it.
The practice of building resilience
What resilience looks like will be different for everyone because we’re all coming at it from different starting points – and with different obstacles to overcome. Because the ultimate outcome is different for everyone, so too are the milestones that will take us there. These could look like:
- Habits that nurture mental flexibility, such as emotional regulation
- Regularly getting outside your comfort zone to provide your mind with proof that transformation is possible.
- Learning how to gently deal with your nervous system when it’s dysregulated and bring it back online so that you don’t get distracted or paralysed by fight, flight freeze.
- Building confidence and comfort with risk so that you can be resourceful even in challenging moments.
- Self -awareness that allows you to see what limits you place on yourself as well as the habitual patterns and narratives that stop change from happening.
Thriving through resilience coaching
In the process of coaching we take milestones like this and then break them down into smaller action points. Actions are things that you can do every day to start making progress towards milestones. For example, habits that lead you to emotional regulation or getting outside your comfort zone. That could be doing one small thing differently or pausing throughout the day to ask yourself what you’re feeling in that moment – and what you need. Maybe it’s learning how to self-soothe so you’re not totally overwhelmed by anxiety or fear. Or it might be building up physical confidence through a new exercise regime. Or committing to giving yourself time to nurture self-expression and creativity.
Often, the most powerful actions seem the simplest or the least likely – for example, I had one client who was in the habit of never celebrating any of his achievements. This had left him feeling a lot like he didn’t have any. So, one of his actions was to bake a celebratory cake for himself. For no other reason than to celebrate him. It was a much more emotional experience than either of us expected because in a way it was the first time he had allowed himself to see himself clearly and really celebrate that.
Start building resilience today
Wherever you are on your road to resilience, try reflecting on these 4 questions to get an idea of what changes could start making a real difference.
- Where in your life do you give up easily – and why?
- What makes you feel the most vulnerable?
- What have you always wanted to do but never done?
- Where could you be more self-compassionate and what stops you from doing this?
Building resilience is something you can do through resilience coaching – it’s amazing what you can achieve in 9 sessions – or you can start this process on your own by looking at where in your life you don’t feel that resilient right now. I also offer two short courses that are specifically designed to lead you through a resilience-building process. Get in touch to find out more and start building resilience in your life today.
