Do you know what? So do mine. Or they did. I often think that the reason many of us find life hard is because there is all the stuff that’s happening externally – and then there’s this chaotic inner world that makes it almost impossible to ever feel like you’re on solid ground with anything. Unless you’re asleep. For much of my adult life I believed my emotions. I was swept up in them. And I didn’t realise they were temporary. Plus, I didn’t think I could have any influence over them. And I thought that they were my instincts. It was like riding a roller coaster I hadn’t asked to get on and had no idea when I’d be able to get off. I was constantly exhausted, nauseous, afraid of the next big drop and clinging to whatever felt remotely stable for dear life.
Emotional resilience requires emotional understanding
The funny thing about resilience is that we’ve been fed this perception of it as strength and consistency. Gritting your teeth and getting through the hard things. Staying constant in challenging times and basically staying afloat. But rarely in the motivational content that exists around resilience do you ever see the idea that this all starts with feeling your feelings. But it does. Think about it like this – understanding your emotions, and learning how to regulate them, is the foundation of resilience. It’s the bit that comes before you climb the mountain and stare triumphantly into the sunrise. Because to get up that mountain, through a pre-dawn start, aches and pains, moments of real fear, resistance to even doing it, potential injuries or logistics chaos (etc), you will have to navigate your inner emotional landscape first. And if you’ve got no understanding of why you react like you do – and your emotions feel constantly out of your control – then this is going to feel like walking a tightrope. You’ll be fine as long as everything goes smoothly. But slightly fked if anything goes wrong.
Getting clarity on emotions
There is no big secret here. You are literally the biggest source of data when it comes to your own emotions so you just need to start tapping into that. You’ve got an entire lifetime of evidence as to how you react in certain situations. You may not instantly understand why you react like that – this is where working with a coach can give you access to powerful insight – but you already have the ability to start gathering the basic data on what you do. So, if you feel constantly confused by your emotions, start noticing how they happen for you.
- When do you feel fear/anxiety/love/desire etc?
- What happens in your body when you experience an emotion – where do you feel it first and what kind of sensation does it trigger?
- Think about when you first remember feeling that emotion?
- Are there any emotions you don’t want to have – why?
- Do you feel like some emotions are ‘not allowed’?
- How do you respond to each emotion you have?
Something as simple as noting down at the end of the day some of the emotions you felt and how that manifested for you is a really powerful way to get started when it comes to understanding your emotions and removing the feeling that they are just a total mystery.
Find some distance from your emotions
You are not your emotions. But it can feel like the opposite is true at times. If you’re easily overwhelmed by emotions then let me first say this: it’s not your fault. Perhaps no one ever taught you how to regulate your emotions. If it’s not modelled by a caregiver in childhood, for example, you can grow up without this knowledge. Or maybe your emotional responses are triggering intense feelings from experiences in the past that feel overwhelming. Being able to get some distance from these strong feelings is very liberating. It opens the door to starting to make different choices. Even when you’re in the grip of a very strong emotional experience.
There are lots of different ways to do this, from working with a coach like me to finding a therapist who specialises in something you’re really struggling with (e.g. PTSD) or starting to use a very simple technique like mindfulness. Mindfulness is so easy but so effective. Something like meditation can bring you into the present and teach you how to observe your emotions like a third party might.
Don’t forget that nervous system connection
There is zero separation from your feelings and your physical body. Let’s just get that stated clear and simple before we start. If you start tracking your feelings as I suggested earlier you’ll notice that these always originate in the body. Anger in the chest, for example, shame as a burning sensation in the pit of the stomach. This is because something physical is triggered by feelings (there is plenty of debate about what comes first, the thought or the feeling but all we really need to know here is that they happen very close together).
Your nervous system is usually being activated one way or another. Either into a fight, flight or freeze response (or readiness for it) or into a place of soothing and calm or focus. If your emotions don’t feel in your control – and you have no tools to regulate them – then you can flick constantly in and out of fight or flight. This places unbelievable stress on your body and it really clouds your mind. Because you’re constantly moving into survival mode, which is not where the big ideas, growth, focus and progress comes from – it’s simply where you’re trying to stay alive. Learned emotional resilience skills can really help with this.
Your body will try to save itself from harm, even without your consent
That’s part of what your nervous system does. So a lot of this comes down to the perception of harm. And how able you are to make yourself feel safe. If you are able to send the message to your nervous system that you’re safe – whether you do that through your body (e.g. breathwork) or a technique like cognitive reframing – then you can stay out of that place of survival and create more space for thriving in your life. And, crucially, once the experience of emotions feels less intense and overwhelming then you can create the space to actually start understanding what feelings are and how they work for you.
Feeling confused by your emotions is all part of the human experience. Even when you get better at understanding how you feel there will still be moments that knock you off balance. But when you’ve put the work into understanding yourself more you’ll have the tools to bring yourself back onto the right path.
How do you feel about your emotions and how they impact your life experience? Why not book an intro call to see how resilience coaching could help?
