Tell me why being a woman in your 40s is defined by overwhelm and exhaustion. One reason? You’re underestimating the amount of fatigue and mental load being generated by your conditioning. In particular, your good girl conditioning
Women have always been taught to keep the peace, to be pretty and kind and never difficult, disagreeable or angry.
But I think there comes a point when you get into your 40s when this starts to feel like self-betrayal. I mean, it’s always been a betrayal. But we perhaps can force ourselves not to notice the impact it has on us before this point because the drive to avoid rejection or shame or being seen as different or difficult is so strong. And maybe because we’re getting a kick out of fitting in with society and ticking off the life milestones.
But then the estrogen starts dropping after 40. And with that the people pleasing begins to drop away just a little. Or you just reach a point where you suddenly realise that it’s not serving you to be like this.
My plea to you in mid life:
Break ALL your ties with being a “good girl.” As early as you can. And i mean ALL of them. If you don’t know how to do this book a free intro call with me and we’ll chat about the how.
It’s not an easy thing to do. But any time you’re keeping the peace, suppressing your feelings, not saying what you really feel or shrinking, hiding or rejecting parts of yourself in order to be liked and accepted by others, that’s the territory you’re in. That’s what’s generating the hard emotions. It’s the self-betrayal, the prioritising of others, the pretending you have no needs. The not allowing yourself to be anything but nice.
It’s SO important to break ALL your ties to being “a good girl.” The whole lot has to go. Because when you stop performing for the validation of being palatable or to keep the peace you stop betraying yourself. And you start pouring all your energy into you, your growth and your ability to thrive.
When you embrace the discomfort of “what if I’m not liked/attractive/wanted” you finally stop performing for a society that expects you to stay small. Nothing will disappoint society more. And very few things will increase your confidence and self-esteem quite as much.
What is good girl conditioning?
It’s a deeply ingrained behavioral pattern where women are taught to be compliant, helpful, and accommodating to earn approval and avoid conflict. Often at the cost of our own needs. You will find it reinforced everywhere. From disapproving media headlines about selfish child free women. To assertive women being described as ‘difficult.’ And the whole trad wife movement which is basically the Good Girl Pro package.
There is a huge cost to good girl conditioning. I’ve felt it myself in my 40s and seen in a lot of my clients. I’ve mentioned it a little in terms of those difficult feelings but here’s the full picture.
- You’re like to have a lack of internal authority. So decisions feel incredibly difficult and you don’t really know who you are or where you’re going.
- Tension and resentment in relationships is common. Because you don’t know how to set and hold boundaries – and have been taught these will make you unlovable.
- Then there’s the self doubt and imposter syndrome that can come from not having any connection to your authentic self.
- You’re also probably stuck with zero intuitive direction or gut instinct. You’re completely disconnected from yourself so you just don’t have that inner compass to guide you.
- You’ll be suppressing emotions like anger. This leads to feeling incredibly powerless in the world – and sometimes even making yourself ill from it.
- Perfectionism and shame kick in hard. This can be crippling and stop you from doing anything other than what you’ve been taught you ‘should’ do.
- And then there’s the ultimate end of the line – emotional and physical burnout. You overcommit, you don’t say no, you ignore your needs and your nervous system. And your just keep pushing and pushing to keep up with what you think is required of you to be nice. And eventually, burnout takes over.
All of this takes a toll on your physical and mental health, your relationships with other people and even how happy and satisfied you feel with your life in general.
Why is the good girl conditioning so strong?
I think the simplest answer is that we don’t know there’s another way. Women are taught to be good girls from such a young age. And the only alternative presented to that is the bad woman or the angry woman or the woman who dies alone with cats.
All of which are painted as absolute worst case scenarios – lonely, sad, frightening. That’s the threat that good girl conditioning holds over your head (like every other part of the patriarchy) – if you don’t comply then you will end up as one of THOSE women and bad things happen to them.
This is pure social conditioning. It’s not even backed up by anything other than fearmongering. Because the statistics we have show that women are healthier and happier when we break out of good girl conditioning, when we set boundaries, are difficult and take up space.
Cultural messages, media, family systems, and wider societal norms shape and reinforce what society expects of women. It’s where we find this long-standing narrative that positions women as more acceptable when we are compliant, pleasant, and self-sacrificing.
That’s why, if you identify as a woman, and you want to live more authentically, throwing off your social conditioning – especially the good girl part – is going to be vital for living a happy and successful life..
Intuition is vital for getting free
Because without this internal guidance system you’re entirely at the mercy of what other people say, think and expect. The first place to start with this is to become your own authority – on everything.
Stop outsourcing opinions to other people – what do YOU think?
Get quiet often so that you can hear your intuition.
Get out of the habit of asking others for advice, polling or seeking guidance.
Be prepared to have different opinions to the people around you. If you agree with everyone, you’re not actually being yourself.
Becoming your authentic self is also vital
You’ll know if you’re doing this because authenticity feels like ease, moving through life without having to cover up any of the parts you may not like about yourself.
There’s a simple way to find out whether you have an authentic connection to yourself and that’s to answer this question: who are you?
And the caveat is that you can’t answer it using any of the roles you play in life, job title or information about age, where you live etc. What else is there? If you can’t answer the question then you’ve likely been hollowed out by the focus on pleasing others – or trying to read their minds and anticipate their needs – that your good girl conditioning has created. And you’d really benefit from connecting to yourself and learning more about you. This is part of what we do in resilience coaching and it can be life changing.
And you have to start saying NO..
Begin disappointing people. Letting people dislike you. Not constantly trying to be easy to understand. This process brings your attention back to yourself, starting with intuition and authority and growing stronger every time you say no and set boundaries. Genuinely protecting your peace.
This step triggers real discomfort because it forces you to face your biggest fears, like fearing rejection for something you’ve said or done.
But that discomfort is temporary. You’ll get used to it and then stop feeling it. And boundaries are VITAL if you want to avoid burning out in mid life. Good girls don’t have boundaries because they don’t have needs. They always say yes and they are compliant and always available. So you need to start saying no.
Thinking deeply about your needs, desires, wants and goals and prioritising those. At first, selfishness, difficulty, and the terrifying fear of appearing bad or unlovable will overwhelm you. But trust me, people who truly love and respect you expect you to have boundaries. The only people who object are the people who have benefitting from you not having any.
It’s not easy but it’s SO worth it
The last thing I want to say on this is that stepping into the discomfort that exists outside of this conditioning is hard. But it’s only uncomfortable because it’s new, different and unfamiliar. Our brains and nervous systems love repetition and so when we start doing something different there’s always a little flag that goes up saying ‘is this ok’? And that’s discomfort.
You’ll experience discomfort if you start to say no, you set and hold boundaries, you answer back, take up space, speak up, disagree, assert yourself. But not because you’re doing anything wrong, just because it’s unfamiliar.
Getting out of the good girl prison
Because society traps us all in a good girl prison, stepping out of it means leaning into being a difficult woman. It means embracing being angry, audacious, arrogant, pushy – and all the other terms people throw at women who refuse to stay quiet and nice.
Just remember that this conditioning distorts your version of difficult or angry, making it seem a lot bigger than it actually is.Giving yourself permission to embody those traits is revolutionary. It transforms you into a fully rounded human being instead of a two-dimensional people pleaser. Ultimately, anchoring yourself firmly to who you are ensures that you survive mid-life – the highest-risk time for women – without burning out.
If you’ve read this and thought IT’S TIME or anything similar then book a free intro call and let’s chat.I promise that you found this blog today by design, not by accident.
