If you don’t have children – and especially if you don’t get married – are you doomed to a lonely and unsatisfying life alone with kids? Not having children used to be seen as a failure. And yet record numbers of women are now doing it later – or not doing it at all. So why aren’t we sad about it?
I am in my 40s and I am child free
And when I was younger, I thought this was going to be the end of the world. Society pitied women who didn’t have children, treating them as cautionary tales, while it revered women who did.
In the media, in religion, in politics and in all the cliches and stories passed down through families. Until they weren’t, of course – because even women who have children still can’t escape society’s judgment. Society will always find a way to judge women, we know that. Because if we stopped feeling judged or less than or like we had to strive to be perfect, just imagine how much of an unstoppable force we’d be then..
I have no regrets in my 40s..
I want to add my voice to this and tell you how it’s been for me. Partly because it might help someone else. And partly to counter all the content and comments I’ve seen on instagram recently along the lines of ‘you’ll regret it in your 40s if you don’t have kids.’ Well, I’m in my 40s – WELL into my 40s and I have no regrets. If anything, as each year goes by, I feel luckier and luckier that I didn’t make a choice out of fear of regret that would have (for me) kind of ruined my life.
The research says…
But let’s start with something more objective – some data. Research suggests that single, child-free women are on average the happiest and healthiest subgroup in society. There are numerous studies that have established this. But probably the most prominent was carried out by behavioural expert Paul Dolan from the London School of Economics.
I really wish I had known that when I was younger. Because I, like so many other women, received the message that being over 35 without kids and not married was the end of the world for a woman. It sat in the back of my mind like a small seed of fear. And it grew and grew as I went through my 20s. Now that I’ve learned so much about the mind as a resilience coach I can see exactly how social conditioning works. The beliefs that we have as humans determine what we think and how we behave.
Beliefs are just the thoughts we repeat the most often
And your thoughts are going to be heavily influenced by what’s around you – especially as you’re growing up. That’s why messaging about child free women being bad that comes through media, family systems, religion and wider societal norms embeds into your mind. As if it’s actually what you think.
When you then add all the fear and shame society uses to reinforce what’s ‘normal’ and punish anything outside it. Suddenly, you can be a smart woman living in a supposedly democratic society and still feel driven towards a life path that may not actually be right for you.
And let’s not forget the life milestones. You get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, buy a second house, have grandkids, retire and die. Right?
Capitalism and patriarchy benefit enormously from this timeline. But I wonder whether it actually serves us as individuals.
Who are you and what do you want? The secret to happiness for a child free woman (and anyone else really)
I think the key to all this as a woman is being able to understand who you are. So you can see what you really want. I get a lot of people coming to me for resilience coaching who don’t know who they are. Many of them have hit the life milestones and don’t know why they still feel so unsatisfied.
Finding out who you really are will give you more clarity on whether kids is the right move for you. The first step in this is really delving into the depths of YOU. Looking at influences from the past that you want to unwind. Understanding your why and what drives you. Getting clear on your passions, strengths and weaknesses. What your natural talents and skills are and what makes you feel alive. Purpose can be a useful clarifier.
With this process often comes the confidence to actually say think what you really think – without fear blocking it – and then to ‘*gasp* actually say it out loud. Which sounds easy. But I can’t tell you how shocked some people are to hear a woman say “I don’t want children and I’m happy I didn’t have any.” Some people just really don’t know what to do with you after that. Mainly because you don’t seem sad about it and that doesn’t compute.
The fears around being child free
Of all the fears that come with choosing child free, the one that is shouted about the most is the fear of dying alone. I think it’s kind of strange to have children so that you will have company later on in life. It’s a lot of pressure on the kids. But it also means that you don’t give yourself much of a chance to think about creating a full life.
If you’re ticking off the marriage and kids box and then thinking that means you’re set for company and support, you’re missing out on all the other options that exist for connection, love, friendship, growth. Importantly, it’s also no guarantee of anything. My dad was in a care home for just over a year before he died. He had 4 kids and only 2 of us ever visited. But some of the other residents with kids never received a single visit from them.
So, it’s my view that you actually have more chance of not being lonely later in life if you’re child free. Because you’re likely to have put a lot more thought and effort into creating community and networks that don’t rely on one or two people. And you’ll have explored interests, activities, how you actually want to spend your time and what actually makes you happy.
How will people treat me if I don’t have kids?
I think the other fears with being child free come from the fear of missing out and also how other people will treat you. I had a client who came to me with fear of fomo. She couldn’t decide about kids but the thing that kept her on the fence was the fear of what she’d miss out on if she didn’t have them.
Decisions made out of fear don’t end well. But fear is also strong and can be impossible to see through. And many of us aren’t even aware when we are driven by it.
A lot of the conversations with that client were about her giving herself permission to be truly honest. And permission to actually imagine a life without children being satisfying and full of love and warmth and joy. Where would those things come from if not from kids? If we don’t ever let ourselves imagine that it could be joyful and wonderful to be child free then it probably won’t be.
The reality of children is often ignored – until it’s too late
Acknowledging reality was also really important. And I think, when it comes to the idea of children it’s very easy to get swept up in the dream image that we’re sold through films and conditioning. That it will just be this wonderful validating experience lived through a soft filter of joy.
The key questions..
But you’ve got to look at your reality and get honest with yourself. Do you want to put your life – especially your career, interests and self-development – on hold for 18 years? Not everyone will have to do that but it’s the experience a lot of women have.
Do you have a partner who has already demonstrated they’re going to share the load with you – if that’s what you want? Not a partner who you hope will step up. One who has already shown you they’re capable of it and committed to it.
Does your partner actually want to raise children or are they just high on visions of a lookalike offspring to kick a ball around with. I think because there’s a sense that you’re not allowed to reject the idea of kids that we don’t consider a lot of these questions, often until it’s too late.
The reality of being child free
I’ve found the biggest challenge has been updating the map of the future in my head. It took me about 5 years to fully realise and settle into the fact that I really didn’t want children. Before that I kept saying things like “Never say never” or “Probably not but I haven’t totally ruled it out.” It was complicated by the fact that I knew I was an empathetic person and people kept telling me what a good mum I’d be. I’d kind of missed the fact that being an empathetic and caring person doesn’t mean you have to be a mum. There are loads of other ways to express that. It’s only society that tells us those things have to be poured into having children.
The grief bit..
There was also a small period of grief where I processed those mental images I’d had of me being a glowing pregnant woman loved by everyone for getting pregnant or laugh-crying in a labour room with a newborn in my arms.
Interestingly, these images never went beyond that. I didn’t really ever see myself with actual children. And, crucially, I never did anything about this. I have been a city lawyer, I am a published author and coach with a podcast who owns a home, the dog she wanted as a kid and who basically does what she sets out to do. But I’d never taken any tangible action on this. Now I look back I think that was telling.
Nevertheless it took a while to settle into being child free – to update that map in my head about what the future would look like. Because if you take away expectations of having a partner and a child what’s left? Nothing. Or at least nothing if you’re using the traditional, patriarchal, capitalist model of a good life.
When you’re a child free women the ‘rules’ don’t apply
And you can do anything once you realise that the rules don’t apply. I’m still kind of working on this – because my social conditioning was strong and there are some layers of it I’m still peeling back now. But it’s started to feel exciting.
My biological clock has become irrelevant. And that’s taken all the pressure off feeling like I need to meet someone. Which has allowed me to really think about whether I actually want to meet someone. And if so, what do I want in a partner – rather than what can I put up with for the sake of getting a ring on my finger and a baby in my arms.
And it’s completely lifted the shame and sense of being ‘less than’ that was coming from feeling like those were things I should do to be an acceptable human being.
You don’t have to be sad about it
For me, I think the biggest thing that leads to thriving as a child free woman is to sort out what’s in your head. Take the time to undo that social conditioning, any attachments you have to things you don’t really want. To know who you are and what will work for you and to deal with the fears that too often drive us. That’s the fundamentally important stuff because it creates the space for everything else that can come next.
I think it’s also important to have the confidence and audacity to speak your truth out loud. Don’t hide your happiness about your life choices. And that’s hard because a lot of people are conditioned to expect a child free woman – especially a single one – to be sad. A figure of pity. And to not expect to see themselves as equal to mothers and wives. In fact, you’ll find other women are some of the people who want to squash you the most if you’re not sad about not having done what they have.
Let them do that. But don’t suffer in silence. Verbally set your boundaries, celebrate your choices, point out their internalised misogyny and what you don’t agree with. Too many child free women make themselves small because they’re afraid of offending other women. And that only damages your own confidence in yourself. You only get this one life and living it loudly your way is incredibly powerful.
How to thrive as a child free woman
I could give you a list of ways to thrive as a child free woman here – get a dog, have interests, travel, follow your passions – all the things you see on instagram reels. But the truth is there isn’t any single way of doing this. You don’t need stamps in your passport, lots of money or a wild social life to enjoy child free life. The whole point of throwing off the conditioning is not to copy what works for someone else but to find out what is going to work for you. And honestly once you throw off any sense of shame or feeling ‘less than’ and deal with those fears of loneliness etc, you’ll probably find you have plenty of ideas.
And just in case you need to hear someone else say it – I am child free and I couldn’t be happier. I love my freedom. I love the peace and quiet. I’ve healed and grown in ways I couldn’t have with a child to focus on. I have the headspace to do what I want with my life. I feel deeply connected to myself and am able to be truly present in my life, I am learning to regulate my nervous system and I have agency. None of which would have been possible at this point – for me – if my attention had had to be elsewhere.
Having the courage to live life true to you
Hopefully this inspires anyone who is thinking about being child free – or struggling with it – to take some action to change that. And I will just finish with something I learned a few years ago about the biggest regret of the dying. The most common regret – according to someone who researched and wrote a book about this – was not related to kids or marriage or money or status or work – is was “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me” If being child free is being true to you then you’re definitely on the right path.
Resilience coaching is a crucial process for thriving as a child free women – we’ll work on authenticity, intuition, dealing with fears and FOMO and helping you to make the decision (whether it’s child free or not) and start loving it. Book a free intro call to find out more.
