Last month a client told me our 9 coaching sessions had been more effective for her than years of therapy or EMDR. As she was speaking I could feel myself starting to dissociate.
Why is it that so many of us can receive criticism like it’s normal – but praise is uncomfortable ?
I can give you a million reasons for why I am like this. But these days I think the ‘why’ matters a whole lot less than the what.
The What:
If a negative comment from someone doesn’t match how you see yourself, you can hear it and think.
Well, that’s interesting. Anyway what’s for lunch.
Criticism only really gets under your skin if some part of you already believes it.
And the same is true of praise.
Someone can tell you you’re brilliant, beautiful, talented, kind, successful, whatever… And if that doesn’t match the way you see yourself?
It doesn’t land. Your mind won’t let it.
My almost-dissociation wasn’t about praise
It was about the gap between what that client saw in me and what I sometimes don’t see in myself. I was raised to avoid being ‘a bighead’ or being ‘up myself.’ Thats why I used to subscribe to the narrative that rejecting praise was being humble. That it was a good thing.
But I don’t think I’ve ever come across an example of humility that wasn’t actually just someone masking low self-worth.
If you have a criticism kink too..
If you have this criticism kink like me, we have to keep working to change it. Because you can’t build a life that reflects your true worth while constantly looking for evidence that you don’t have any. At some point criticism has to stop being the most believable thing. This is something I can help with as a resilience coach – book a free intro call to find out more.
There will always be moments like I had when the ghoul gets resurrected – and has to be defanged again.
But that’s ok. The goal isn’t to become someone who craves praise – but someone who can believe it.
