I’ve come to the conclusion that we have been lied to about how to handle stress. Our hustle-obsessed culture tells us that when life gets overwhelming, the solution is to put our heads down, optimise our routines, and cross more things off the to-do list. We treat stress like an executive problem that requires a hyper-focused, disciplined solution.
But if you are a woman trying to handle chronic stress this way, you are actively fighting your own biology. Here is a radical, scientifically backed truth: The more stressed you are, the more pleasure you actually need for your nervous system to regulate. To understand why, we have to look at how our brains handle chemical rewards.
Dopamine dominates in the world today
Our modern society is explicitly engineered for dopamine. Dopamine is the hormone of the hunt. It’s about chasing goals, securing wins, checking boxes, and crossing finish lines. While dopamine works wonders for pushing through emergencies, a female nervous system cannot fully regulate or find true safety on a diet of pure dopamine.
Women’s nervous systems are profoundly regulated by oxytocin – this is something we are only just beginning to learn about. For so long the science of ‘the nervous system’ has actually been the science of the male nervous system. With female nervous systems barely studied and just considered to be a maybe slightly different version of a man’s. But that’s not the case. We are COMPLETELY different. I want to say “well obviously” but science has conveniently forgotten this through most of its existence – women weren’t even included in medical testing until 1991.
Dopamine vs Oxytocin
Dopamine chases, but oxytocin settles. While cortisol (the stress hormone) is screaming at you to run faster, fight harder, or freeze entirely, oxytocin acts as the ultimate physiological brake pedal. It down-regulates the fight-or-flight response, lowers blood pressure, and signals to your ancient mammalian brain that you are safe.
And how does your body manufacture oxytocin? Through pleasure, connection, and sensory safety.
When you are deeply stressed, your baseline requirement for pleasure skyrockets. Pleasure is not a luxury item, a reward for good behavior, or something you earn after you finish your chores. Pleasure is medicine. It is the literal fuel your body requires to turn off the internal alarm
How do you access the kind of pleasure your nervous system loves?
I am not talking about superficial distractions or mindless scrolling here. Your nervous system requires visceral, embodied pleasure to unlock and reap the benefits. It needs the soothing weight of a long hug. It needs the physical release of an orgasm. It needs the grounding warmth of a hot bath, the laughter of a long phone call with a friend who truly gets you, or the simple joy of wrapped-blanket comfort.
Estrogen actually enhances oxytocin’s calming power, meaning that leaning into these acts of comfort changes your internal chemistry as a woman.
Prioritise pleasure
When you deny yourself pleasure because you “have too much to do,” you are keeping your nervous system trapped in a state of high-alert starvation. You cannot think, organise, or discipline your way out of burnout. You have to feel your way out.
So, stop treating your exhaustion like a time-management problem. The next time you feel completely overwhelmed, do not force yourself to do more. Put down the to-do list, step away from the pressure, and ask yourself a better question: What is the kindest, most pleasurable thing I can do for my body right now? Your nervous system is waiting for the answer.
Resilience coaching isn’t just about changing how you think – it’s about changing how you feel. True, full-bodied resilience requires a deep partnership between your mindset, neuroscience, and your nervous system. If you are ready to stop burning out and start thriving from the inside out, book a free intro call with me.
