Those of us who get trained young to be considerate are actually just being taught to prioritise the needs of everyone around us and ignore our own.
Doesn’t that make us a “good” person to be so selfless?
No, it makes us resentful, hard to understand and means no one actually has the opportunity to meet our needs because we don’t actually see or vocalise them ourselves.
Being less resentful means understanding what resentment is
Resentment is a sign that we don’t have strong boundaries and that we are far too focused on other people’s wants and needs than our own. It’s you waving a little flag at you to show that something needs to change – and soon.
And no the answer is not gratitude *eye roll. It’s to delve deeper into what might be triggering the resentment and change the behaviour behind it.
I’m not saying be intentionally rude. But
- Stop trying to anticipate if someone might need to get past you – let them ask.
- Stop focusing on whether you’re taking up too much space or worrying others will find you difficult – let them tell you if that’s the case.
- Stop making how other people feel your responsibility instead of theirs.
- Inhabit your own body and mind instead of focusing on other people’s.
So often we think that something like resentment makes us a bad person and that’s why we want to have less resentment. But it’s a message. One that is only going to make life harder if you ignore it. Stop shaming yourself for feeling it and work out what it’s trying to tell you instead.
If it’s that you need to work on boundaries then you’ve come to the right place..
Has your upbringing made you too considerate?
We live in a world that socialises children (at least when I was young) to abandon needs and boundaries and calls it “being considerate.” That tells us we are selfish if we are more aware of our needs than other people’s. That it is somehow unattractive and an unlovable quality.
But the reality is that being “considerate” really means putting others before yourself. And that’s a terrible thing to do. Because you’re a human being, not a mythical martyr or a fictional human who can thrive on being selfless. You need attention, validation and focus from you on YOU before you give it to anyone else. And you need to put your energy into that and let others do the same. Acknowledge that you’re not responsible for their feelings – or their experience of adult life. Stop enabling the people around you to take advantage of you, ignore your needs and never improve or grow.
Otherwise you’re creating the kind of resentment that can lead you to break the relationships, reputation or community you’d been trying to build and protect.
Building boundaries is a key part of resilience coaching because we need them to protect our energy and the self-belief we need to bounce back in hard times. If you’d like to build better boundaries so you can have less resentment then it’s time some sessions with me – start with a free 10 min intro call and I’ll show you how it works.
