“If you worry about being selfish it’s likely you have no sense of self.” I heard this recently and it was a gut punch.
For those of us raised in the age of obedience, selfish is a BAD word. And selfless is the aim. That’s the programming we’re running. Probably unconsciously.
But if you really stop and break this down for a minute, how does selfless (“concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own”) actually feel?
Selfish vs selfless
Selfless feels like saying yes to everything and everyone in the run up to Christmas, without checking in on you first, and then being ill for your break (I’ve just released a podcast episode on how not to ruin your own Christmas this year).
It feels like self doubt and insecurity. Trying to find reassurance and validation in the words and actions of others because no clear sense of self means you can’t do this for yourself.
It feels like persistent dread and the fear that time is running out – but you don’t know where to start because your inner guidance system (sense of self) is switched off.
It feels like resentment because your needs are never met (or even considered), no matter how much you do for others. How could they be met when you don’t know, or meet them, yourself?
It feels like constantly comparing yourself, feeling jealous and low on confidence – because with no sense of self you don’t understand how amazing you actually are.
And most of all it feels like being totally lost because you have no idea who you are and what would actually make you happy.
We need to stop fearing selfish
I know that you – like me – have probably had the fear of god drilled into you about being selfish. And how that means no one will like or love you. But trust me when I say this is just another piece of social conditioning where the opposite is true.
Selfless people feel needy, resentful, difficult to connect to and hard to understand because they’re trying to be something happy humans cannot be (without needs). “Selfish” people in reality are just people with boundaries, self-respect, self-love and self-awareness who have said no to someone who didn’t like that.
If you were going to take my advice and be more selfish this festive season, this is what it could look like:
S ay no at least once a day.
E xpose the inner critic when it shames you for focusing on you. Learn to ignore it.
L isten to your body telling you what you need.
F ind out who you are aside from the roles you play in life.
I dentify your needs, values, passions, likes and dislikes. It’s no one else’s job to do this.
S how others what you need, to improve relationships and connections.
H ang your self worth on the authentic you, not on the judgment of others.
The idea that we must be selfless is the kind of habitual thinking that creates obstacles to happiness, a fulfilling life – and being a positive influence in the lives of others. It produces a totally contradictory result to what we’re told it will.
If you’re ready to put this kind of thinking in the bin and replace it with something more effective for real life then you’re ready for resilience coaching. I’d love to show you how just changing your thoughts like this can change your whole life. Book a free intro call if you’d like to find out more.
