I don’t know when we started the madness of mixing the language of science and manufacturing into mental health but here it is in black and white from the Cambridge Dictionary:
Toughness = the quality of being strong and not easily broken or damaged: The toughness of the cast iron furnaces is remarkable. The quality of being not easily defeated or made weaker: She has a reputation for toughness and resilience.
You are not a cast iron furnace.
Physical abuse, emotional neglect, a lack of sunlight, long working hours, being alone too much, shame, not feeling loved, supported or valued – none of these things will hurt a cast iron furnace. But they will sure as hell hurt you.
Human resilience is very different to metal resilience
We need to stop equating being a resilient human with being an inanimate piece of metal – this is an impossible, unrealistic standard (and the root of toxic resilience).
To be resilient you don’t need to be “tough” you need to be human. That’s why true resilience is about mental flexibility (with a great big dose of self-awareness).
It’s not about gritting your teeth and withstanding the heat, hoping that you’re not too damaged afterwards. It’s about being able to adapt, learn, transform, nurture yourself, calm yourself and do what you need to do to navigate challenging times, instead of just surviving them.
An iron furnace can’t do that. But you can.
This is how humans build resilience
If you want to truly be resilient you can forget about that idea of ‘strong and not easily broken or damaged.’ Sometimes resilience is sobbing in a heap on the floor. Sometimes it’s holding yourself through grief. Sometimes it’s allowing yourself to get angry.
You are human and, whether you like it or not you can be broken and damaged – you are inherently vulnerable. Tying yourself in knots to try and avoid that will only make you anxious, inflexible and inauthentic. It’s a waste of energy. And means we cut ourselves off from so much of the beauty of life by trying to protect ourselves by being “tough.”
This is what works:
- An optimistic growth mindset + breaking bad habits, forming healthy, effective ones.
- Improving how you cope through nervous system flexibility. The body as a tool for calming the mind, finding clarity, joy and for energy management.
- Authenticity as a driving force – passion, purpose, tapping into the real you is your greatest strength.
- Writing a new inner narrative – bye bye inner critic, self doubt + catastrophising.
- Learning more ease with your emotions, especially around discomfort, failure, challenge, rejection etc to feel more in control.
This ⬆️ is my resilience model. It’s what you’ll have after coaching with me.
Seeing as you’ve made it to the end of this blog now seems like a great time for us to have a chat – book an intro call if you’re ready to be truly resilient in 2025.
