There are so many situations in life where we feel the pressure to “just move on.” Whether it’s friends telling you to block and delete someone who they had to watch not treat you well in a relationship, being told to let go of anger about something that happened at work or expectations around how long is ok to be grieving, letting go and moving on is something that gets kind of held up as this badge of honour. But did you notice what all those situations had in common? They were all about other people. And that’s the key thing to note here. When someone tells you to let go and move on it’s usually because of the impact your sadness, grief, anger, chaos, whatever – is having on them.
If someone says just move on it’s not for your benefit
If you think about it for a second why would you tell someone it’s time for them to move on. Many of us tell ourselves that this is because we want the best for that person. And it’s hard to see them in pain. But the best thing for someone is to let them process whatever has just happened in the way that they need to and in the way that best works for them. If you don’t want to see someone in pain then that’s actually about you not being able to witness someone you love in pain. Which is understandable. But it’s not healthy in that situation to try and shut down their pain just because you have no tolerance for it.
Shaming yourself will make it harder
And there is so much shame tied up in all of this. Because we live in a society that sees emotion as weak and doesn’t make space for healthy processing of pain. The problem with shaming yourself – and allowing others to shame you – for not being able to let things go is that you then add a layer of shame on top of the original pain. And that can block you from beginning the processing that would actually allow you to start letting things go. Because shame essentially paralyses us. And diverts the focus of our thinking away from processing the original cause of what we can’t let go of, to feelings of being broken. Or not good enough or comparing ourselves negatively to others. So, it’s incredibly unhelpful.
Stop trying to just move on if you can’t
So, I think the first thing most of us need to do when we’re stuck in a place of not letting things go is to stop trying to do that. You process things at a completely different rate to other people. Yes, it can feel annoying to be someone who takes longer. But that actually may mean that you process things properly whereas that friend who seems to need no time at all to let go of something hard is actually just suppressing emotions that are going to rise up and cause problems further down the line. So, let go of the idea that you need to move on from things at the same pace as ‘other people’. I guarantee there are people out there who take even longer than you do. Just allow yourself to take the time you need to do this.
Self trust makes all the difference
And this is where another really important element comes into play: self trust. How much we trust ourselves is what provides the basis for the things we really want in life, like confidence and resilience. But it’s hardest to do when your behaviour makes you different to others. Those are the moments in which you really need to ramp your self trust up by 110%. Because who’s to say that they are right and you are wrong?
If you’re using things like the dating ‘rules’ or popular culture ideas about the stages of grief as a guide then you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Anyone who works with mental health will tell you that we all do things at our own pace – and trusting that you know what’s right for you is not only liberating but also the most powerful way to become a much more effective human.
So, don’t force it, especially don’t force it because someone else has said you should. If, however, you feel like you’re ready to move on from something but don’t know how then here are a few of my tips:
Stop fantasising
One of the reasons people in particular stay stuck in our heads when we want to move on from them is because we keep fantasising about them. Maybe it’s a reunion, maybe it’s getting justice, maybe it’s them behaving in the way you wanted them to but they didn’t. We get little dopamine hits from doing this which is why it feels good to sit and daydream about what might have been. But this is also keeping them present in your life when actually they really aren’t anymore. It fills the hole created by their lack of presence – and all the loss of good feelings or just feelings we’re addicted to (because it is possible to miss someone’s chaos). But in reality it’s just keeping you stuck. This is not the same as allowing yourself to remember someone who has gone. If you struggle to differentiate between the remembering and the fantasising then put a time limit on it. Give yourself 30 mins a day and that’s it.
Find a different focus
This is a great thing to do if you want to move on – and also actually a good way to test if you’re ready. After a loss or a break up or something hard happening we tend to feel really vulnerable. Maybe a bit battered and bruised. And that can mean we want to retreat, isolate and just lick our wounds until we feel better. Which we will need to do and which I totally believe in for a time. But there will come a point where doing that starts to feel a little less right. And that’s the moment to find a different focus.
By this I mean try focusing the brainpower you’ve been using for this on something else. So, for example, if you’re struggling to get over a break up, give yourself time to grieve. And then challenge yourself to try a new activity. It will feel HUGELY scary because not only is the activity outside your comfort zone. But you’re already not feeling that confident because of what’s happened. But go and do it anyway. It will distract you from the hard feelings, give you an opportunity to focus your attention on something else. And you will also build confidence simply by going and doing something outside your comfort zone. And it will also show you whether or not you’re ready to move on. If it feels overwhelming then maybe you’re just not ready to stop processing the pain yet. But who can argue with giving yourself more time for that if you’ve made the effort to find a different focus first..
Make new memories
Rumination is one of the things that keeps us from moving on when we actually want to. And that is essentially living in the past, going over and over something that has already happened. Whether it’s a bad experience at work or thinking about when you were with someone who is now not here. If you think about your mind like a bowl of cake mix, at that point it’s just going round and round with what’s already in it. So, add something new into the mix. Make new memories that bring colour or texture. And which take up space so that there’s less room for rumination. Even if you don’t feel like it go and do things that will feel good – even if it’s a muted good feeling. I also really like taking the mindset element out of it sometimes. Look at your body as a container of chemicals – when you’re low or anxious you’re full of cortisol and adrenaline. If you’d rather be full of endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin or serotonin then all you need to do is activities that will release those. Take a very matter of fact physical approach and see how you end up feeling.
Get tough with the narratives
Get tough with the stories you’re telling yourself about what this thing means for you. One of the reasons it can be really hard to move on from something is because we get stuck in a story about what that thing says about us. So, for example, she broke up with me because she didn’t want me and – here’s the story – that means no one else ever will. Or I didn’t get that promotion at work so there will be no more opportunities for me now. Get really clear on where you’re doing this – taking a negative event from the past and using it to fuel catastrophising about the future – and then challenge it. You are not psychic. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. What if this thing turns out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to you? That’s as possible right now as it being the worst. Widen that lens out from negative stories to something more logical, which is that this thing has happened and it doesn’t mean anything about the future but could result in a whole range of outcomes, negative and positive, and some that you haven’t even considered yet. Part of this is about acceptance – not giving in but just acceptance that what has happened has happened. Sometimes the simple act of doing that instead of resisting reality can be enough to release the narratives and allow you to start moving on.
Be SO self-compassionate
The last tip and the most important is to shower yourself in self-compassion. When we are nurtured, by ourselves and others, we can process and heal and transform and self-compassion is vital for this. If you shame and criticise yourself you’re going to take even longer to move on from something because you’ll be stuck feeling horrible about yourself before you can even look at the pain of what happened. So, self-compassion is not only the best way to treat yourself but also the most constructive too.
Whatever it is you’re struggling to let go of, give yourself a break. And bring in that self-trust. You’ll move on at the time that is right for you and until then you deserve the utmost care from yourself.
As a coach and as a human I get really sick of hearing these harsh narratives used against our emotions, such as “it’s time to move on.” Not only is this unhelpful – and often said with selfish motives – but it just isn’t productive. It doesn’t acknowledge how humans actually funcion emotionally. And yet I know it remains the dominant narrative for so many.
You might even be surprised to hear a resilience coach talk like this because resilience is the ultimate way to grit your teeth and deny your emotions right? No. Very wrong. Resilience – and what I’m coaching you to build as a resilience coach – is about mental flexibility and that comes from emotional awareness, a self-compassionate mindset, supporting your nervous system and knowing and working with who you actually are, rather than who you think you should be. This is where the ease lies – and it’s also where your true power lies.
You can find out more about how I coach by booking a free 10 min intro call with me.
