This is a tough one isn’t it. Because if someone doesn’t like you it can often feel like a sign that you’re just unlikeable. And if two people don’t like you? Even if those people are years apart.. That can leave your self esteem in tatters.
Well, I’m here to let you know that even if everyone seems not to like you it’s still really important to like yourself. And there are two very good reasons for this:
You ARE likeable. I can guarantee that. Not being liked by everyone is actually something to aspire to because it means you’re being your authentic self. If everyone likes you then the real you is probably buried deep below layers of people pleasing, fawning and pretence. That is a recipe for anxiety, regret and resentment.
Self-hatred won’t make you more appealing to others. If you feel like there are changes you’d like to make, new friendships and relationships you’d like to create then it’s not constructive to hate on yourself. Even if someone has said some pretty cutting things about you, some of which struck a chord, liking yourself will give you more power for positive change than self-hate, scorn, criticism or meanness.
So how do you do it?
Shut down the inner critic. Yes, I know that we feel like we should listen to the inner critic because “what if it’s right?” And you don’t want to be that person who is blind to what an a$$hole they really are. If you’re reading this, that will never be you. You wouldn’t be on this mailing list if you were an unrepentant a$$hole.
But let’s try something new with your self-criticism: assume it’s always wrong. Always. Next time you hear it? Shut it down with a “nope, I know that this isn’t correct.” Repeat it until that’s your automatic response to self-criticism. It will feel unnerving at first because self-criticism can be a comfortable habit. But it’s undermining your ability to like yourself – or to be rational about life – and killing your confidence too.
Stop looking to others for validation. There’s way too much scope for confusion here because what if someone has just had an argument with someone else, snaps at you and you take that as them not liking you. No, it’s way too fragile. Validate yourself. Stop polling people, quit the hypervigilance, don’t waste your empathic powers on trying to interpret a word or gesture. Bring the focus internally, provide your own reassurance and give yourself some peace.
Forget about it. The obsession with being liked puts us in ego territory and that is a painful place to be. So, focus on something other than your (or others’) perception of you. Try the simplest of mindfulness techniques: spend a few minutes focusing on an object that’s in front of you right now. How does it look/feel/what colour is it/what details can you see? Notice what happens to the tension in your brain when you do this.
I know from personal experience how hard it can be to like yourself. Especially if you’ve spent a lifetime not doing that so far. But you’re not improving yourself this way, it doesn’t build character to be cruel and you’re much more likely to behave in a way that isn’t really you if you feel unwanted and unloved.
Self-love is a foundation stone of resilience. Need some help building it? You’re in the right place.
