Last week I banned a client from saying sorry. And the query that came back was “is it not a nice thing for me to care about how my actions affect others and care about their feelings by apologising for my actions?”
She had apologised to me for getting upset in a session.
So I challenged her like this “is that actually what you’re doing by apologising for showing emotion? Or are you apologising to me because you want me to tell you it was ok – to validate you – so that you can (temporarily) squash anxiety over having been vulnerable?”
I watched the lightbulb come on as I said this. And then the smile that always follows. Because it means that a behaviour that someone was repeating because they thought they “should” – or which was being repeated to manage anxiety – can now be let go..
People pleasing is a way of managing anxiety, nothing more..
My challenge might sound harsh to some but it comes without judgment. I used to do that all the time. Make myself humble and ingratiating so that others would do what I couldn’t: soothe my anxiety for me. I didn’t know any better.
The problem is the soothing never lasted long. And being dependent on others to validate you to stop anxiety is a hard place to be. A powerless place.
My client has never looked at her behaviour like that before. She thought apologising was showing care for the other person rather than seeking something for herself. It was a perspective shift she needed someone else to point to.
That’s just what we’re like as humans. Sometimes we’re so caught up in our fears and stories we don’t see the obvious. Which is one of the reasons why coaching is such a valuable process. Seeing this stuff clearly – changing ingrained narratives like “people pleasing = care” and realising your true motives.
And then getting the tools to stop doing it. Which is exactly what you’ll get from resilience coaching. Interested? Book an intro call to find out more.
