“I just feel past it every time I go to work and am surrounded by so many young people.” I’ve heard a number of different variations on this over the years. But the sentiment remains the same for many people. Age shame – shame around ageing and getting older – is very common. Especially in women. Resilience is the antidote to shame, so this is something I can help you tackle in just a few months. But let’s look at where it comes from.
Age shame comes from social conditioning
From the things our parents say when we’re kids, to the way the media talks about women and the words that people we know use to describe older women, the messaging that getting older is bad is everywhere. Ever heard a woman being described as “on the shelf” or “mutton dressed as lamb’? Or people laughing at an older woman standing up for themselves? Ever seen a magazine or newspaper focus on the physical details of ageing as faults and flaws that women need to prevent at all costs? Once you start to notice this it’s everywhere. And it’s purely because we live in a patriarchal society that puts men at the centre of everything and frames women in terms of usefulness to men – attractive and fuckable or able to have a baby.
Vikings and queens
The truth is that this view of the world hasn’t always been there. Before the printing press made religion widely available women held positions of authority, could hold lead, and pass property to their children. From graves of highly decorated viking warriors that turned out to be women, to earlier human hunters who also turned out to be women, and leaders like Elizabeth I and Boudicca, the truth is that having men at the centre of the universe is not natural and it’s not how it’s always been. Without abrahamic religions we may not be in this position at all.
Why is this relevant? Because whether or not you’re religious you live in a world built on it – and religious structures not only put all the power in the hands of men but also use shame frequently as a tool to oppress women. So, when you’re looking to tackle ageing shame it’s impossible to ignore this historical context.
Undo your social conditioning to release age shame
If we didn’t have this social conditioning, we wouldn’t feel this shame. It’s as simple as that. There’s actually nothing shameful about getting older, we just live in a world that frames it that way. But you can choose to reframe it. Part of my work as a mindset coach is showing people just how powerful our minds really are. What you choose to believe has a huge influence over how you experience life and how you see yourself. And it IS a choice. The only thing that anchors shame around ageing is the social conditioning that ageing is decline, a loss of value, powerlessness, sadness, loneliness. But if you look around you, you’ll find evidence of the opposite.
Age is an irrelevant number?
Once you undo that social conditioning you’ll release that idea that age is an irrelevant number. Chronological age (the number of years you’ve been alive) is just one piece of data we can use as a metric for humans. What about biological age? Emotional age? Mental age? Why don’t we use these as a metric? In reality two people who are 50 can be vastly different in terms of looks, function and ability. So it’s actually a massively inaccurate measure of anything. And if you look around you, you’ll see evidence of people – not just a few but a lot – who don’t conform to your social conditioning.
- Child free, unmarried women who are 40, 50, 60 ,70, happy and have no regrets (this has even been proven by studies that child free, unmarried women are the happiest cohort in society. Married men with kids are the next happiest. And the least? Married women with children and unmarried men with no children. Not what you were taught to believe was it).
- Women in their 50s who are super fit and getting fitter.
- Women in their 60s starting successful businesses.
- Women in their 50s beginning modelling careers.
- People of all ages starting relationships and finding ‘the one’ (if you believe in that..)
Shame is a tool of manipulation
Shame is the only emotion we don’t self-generate as humans. It’s been imposed on you by someone else to control you. Think about how the church has shamed unwed mothers, how witchhunts shamed (and killed) women who were different or spoke out, how the media shames celebrities with cellulite. It’s always someone else doing the shaming first. The problem is that we then internalise this and do it to ourselves because it’s being used to try and enforce someone else’s imaginary standard that we think we have to meet. But we don’t have to meet it. And breaking free of that can be the most liberating moment in your life.
It’s time to be shame free
Age shame is a waste of energy. It’s a waste of your one wild and beautiful life. It’s a waste of everything that you are. And it stops you from seeing that ageing is powerful. Women become wise, articulate, uncompromising, demanding, clear-sighted as we age. The challenges of perimenopause and menopause can make us stop people pleasing, stop putting others’ needs first and open our minds to how we’ve been imprisoning ourselves in society’s bullshit. It’s a POWERFUL time. Ageing is a privilege. It doesn’t have to mean decline. Nor does it have to mean loneliness. It doesn’t have to mean feeling irrelevant and comparing yourself negatively to younger people. All that is up to you. It’s in your hands, not the hands of time.
Are you ready to take back control? Book an intro call with me. today
