The first thing to say is that women have been doing this since time began. Our bodies do perimenopause without being asked to do it so it’s one of the only things that does actually come naturally. I personally think that as we’ve grown further away from community living we’ve lost that channel of communication that one generation of women used to share with the next. With that gone a lot of people feel very alone with – and confused by – everything that happens.
Why didn’t medicine care about this until recently?
But perhaps the biggest problem is the complete lack of interest in this part of women’s lives from the medical community. Until recently there was really no support and a visit to the GP would probably result in you coming away feeling like you were the problem. We also live in a society that has the most ridiculous sense of shame around women’s bodies. And despite the fact that 50% of the world’s population will go through this, it’s somehow become something that is labeled as not important to society as a whole. Not something that’s going to have much of an impact.
Shame does not belong in the conversation around perimenopause
For this I largely blame patriarchal religions that, unfortunately, heavily influenced the early years of the development of the medical profession and brought shame into the discussion of women’s bodies in a way that should never have been the case. It also allowed women’s pain and symptoms to be dismissed as hysterical and imagined by placing women lower on the value scale and defining us as beings who need to be led and cared for (while at the same time expecting us to do all the physical and emotional work of family, relatioships and community). While I’m no historian to me, those seem to be some of the main reasons why today we have this struggle to try and get support and validation medically – even just some kind of basic understanding – of perimenopause and menopause. Read Unwell Women if you’d like to explore this more.
Why does this matter?
Well the idea that perimenopause isn’t going to have much impact on your life is obviously one voiced by a man. Because it’s life changing. Earth shattering. It’s HUGE for women. We need to talk about every aspect of it because no one experiences it in the same way. The old hot flushes, low libido symptoms that are the most often mentioned aren’t even experienced by some women. But a whole other range of symptoms and experiences that never get any air time are.
The benefits of perimenopause?
There’s one aspect of perimenopause that I really want to focus on today – the opportunity it represents. If you’re sitting there so exhausted you feel like you’re against to sink through the floor or you’ve just rammed someone’s car in a road rage or you’ve got tinnitus or vertigo, cried for a week or you feel lost and low and numb then you’re probably tempted to turn this off. But bear with me. Yes this is big and we need to acknowledge this is big. But I don’t believe it’s the custerfuck of deteriorating and suffering that it’s being made out to be.
Perimenopause is hard. Nothing will change that. Even if we had a society that actually prioritised women’s health as much as men’s and there was proper support it would still be hard. But the perspective we take on it can make a difference too. And within all the mess and pain and confusion there are opportunities for something incredible.
Not least because when you’re dealing with this much physical blood and pain and exhaustion there is less headspace for giving a fuck about people’s judgments. Or worrying about wearing the wrong thing or whether you should be spending more time with the kids. You’re just trying not to flood all over the floor in public. Or hit someone with your chair if they look at you the wrong way.
I’ve coached a lot of women at various stages of this, as well as having my own experiences. These are some of the benefits that I think exist.
Your past is really close to the surface
I spoke to a menopause expert on this podcast last year and she told me that perimenopause is often when past trauma resurfaces for many women. That can feel shitty and frightening. But with the right support it also represents a huge opportunity to process and release it. Not to have to carry it around anymore. Not to stay stuck in repeating situations that are being driven by subconscious programming from when you were a child. This is often work I do with women in their 30s, 40s and 50s. Looking at what keeps coming up and smacking them in the face, what hurts, what feels overwhelming – and what they need to do to move past it. The first step is often being forced to confront it – and perimenopause can do that for you.
Perimenopause is a great time to stop playing the game
Women grow up to focus on two things: the way we look and what we are in relation to men. Are you attractive to men and are you chosen by one? Not many of us escape that programming even if we are not consciously aware that it’s driving us. Perimenopause is the opportunity to reject this. The anger that can appear at this stage in life is often showing you where you’re not happy. Where your boundaries are repeatedly being breached. Or something isn’t fair. You’re doing things on autopilot that are damaging you and actually don’t work for you.
Not happy that you’re expected to work a full day – just like your partner – but when you both get home it’s you that is doing the cleaning, dinner and the house? That’s because it’s not fair. Having a vagina doesn’t make anyone better at cooking and cleaning. Men are as capable of this as women – and as able to think about it as we are. They just aren’t socialized to believe it’s their responsibility and haven’t been conditioned to think about it when they walk in the door to be a “good partner.” The same goes for the emotional labour in a relationship or the basic care of children.
I’m obviously generalising hugely here and there are men and women who don’t fit these generalisations. But on the whole we know that women are STILL being expected to run the household and the family. Perimenopause is a real opportunity to take a step back and validate your anger. Take it seriously. Look at where it’s directing you to and make changes there. No more repressing it to be nice and agreeable. And no more shame. Just a practical assessment of the situation and then action to make your life what you want it to be.
Taking control and being yourself
I also think perimenopause is a chance to take control of who you want to be and how you want to live. As we get older we get wiser, more capable and more confident (contrary to the popular wisdom that it’s all downhill from 35). This is an age where it’s never been more possible to be yourself, get outside your comfort zone. To establish your authority, build businesses and communities and take risks. Women are so powerful as we get older. But you’ve got to recognise that. AND give yourself permission to step into it if you’re going to benefit from it. And you’ve got to do the authenticity work so that you feel clear on things like values, purpose, who you are and where you’re going, rather than lost and full of self doubt.
Perimenopause requires authenticity
Authenticity is key for resilience because it’s the foundation of that ability to bounce back and be flexible. So as a resilience coach the authenticity work I do is everything from values – your real values not the values you think you should have which are picked off a list – establishing purpose, identifying strengths and tapping into the pure power of your personal passions and energizing forces like pleasure, creativity, fun and play. It’s a HUGE opportunity for expansion when you’ve got these things driving you. And perimenopause is the ideal time to start tapping into this.
If you’re 35 or over and you’re feeling a bit lost right now, low, confused, exhausted, uninspired and alone with it all then know that you are not the only one. There are posts on my Instagram about all of this and I’m running a Perimenopause Mindset program from 24th April that is all about creating the ride mindset to help you ride the perimenopause wave. More info here.
