I find the idea of things being hard or easy so interesting. As someone who had a very negative inner voice for a very long time, in the past things often felt hard. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say everything felt hard. Because I approached every situation full of fear and catastrophising. And not really even open to the idea of things being easy or fun. Like, it wasn’t an option. I also had a lot of shame and that made things even more of a struggle.
Today, without the negativity and fear, a lot of the things I used to find hard now feel easier. So, does that mean that they were actually hard or not?
Everyone can do hard things
This really is the root of what I do as a resilience coach – looking at the way the perspective we have on life changes how we experience it. But it still sounds so naive to say that just telling yourself something is easy will make it so. I know how naive that sounds. And I know that there will be people listening to this all feeling outraged because there’s no amount of thinking that will change some situations from hard to easy. And I agree with that. I’m not suggesting we start pretending things are easy when they’re not – that is toxic positivity. But I do think that the impact any situation has on us can be changed by how we view it.
Perspective is everything
One useful analogy for this idea is that old game that used to get wheeled out as an icebreaker on corporate away days. Where someone holds their arm up and another person is asked to push their arm down. When the person with their arm held out is thinking of words like strong or powerful the arm cannot be moved. And when they’re being self critical or thinking fearful or sad thoughts it can.
And there is plenty of evidence now that shows that our thoughts have a tangible impact on how we physically experience the world and even whether we get sick (see the links between anxiety and cardiac or gastrointestinal issues for example). But does seeing a situation differently really affect how easy you find that situation? Does an obstacle course suddenly become easy even if you don’t have the physical ability to complete it with ease?
No. Thinking the obstacle course is easy won’t suddenly make you 10 times fitter. However.. having said that, it will change how you approach the obstacle course.
Negativity and fear have a very physical impact
They drain energy, make us feel heavy and tense and often mean that we give up on something before we’ve really tried – because it’s “too hard.” They make us feel like we can’t do hard things. We don’t see opportunities to make things easier for ourselves when in that headspace. And we don’t feel the energy and motivation that comes with self-belief. I think we all know the difference the right mindset can make – we’ve felt the difference between seeing something as a frightening obstacle or a challenge we’re going to do. I think there’s often a sense that you have to hope you’re in the right headspace for the hard things – but the reality is you can create that headspace yourself.
You hear all the things you say about yourself
One thing that does that is the words you speak out loud or in your head – they drop straight into your unconscious and determine your perspective. So, if you’re constantly telling yourself something is hard then that’s what you’ll believe it to be and that’s the reality you will create. You’ll be looking for evidence that something is hard and focusing on the things that make it hard – instead of the things that could make something, if not easy, easier.
The scientific explanation for manifestation
There’s a part of the brain called the Reticular Activating System that is essentially the scientific explanation for manifestation – and also responsible for the confirmation bias. This is a bundle of cells in the brain stem that acts like a filter, essentially controlling what you see in the world around you – and crucially what you don’t see. The parameters for this filter are your beliefs. So if you believe something to be hard this part of the brain goes “right this is going to be hard so that’s the evidence we are looking for.” And so that’s what you’ll see and experience. And if there is a way to make something easier, you simply won’t see it because it doesn’t align with your beliefs about this experience.
Are your inner narratives making life harder?
If you have that nagging feeling that your inner narratives might be making life harder for yourself then really start noticing when you tell yourself something is hard – or when you say it out loud. How often do you do this – and about what? Does it only happen in connection with relationships or physical activity or something at work? What impact does it have on how you feel? Once you’ve done that, experiment with telling yourself something else. You don’t have to use the word easy if that doesn’t sit well with you. Instead you could say something is going to be interesting or a valuable experience or just acknowledge the actual reality, which is that right now in this moment you don’t know in advance what something is going to be like.
What stories are you telling yourself?
That’s something to note here too – often, when we are telling ourselves stories about something that hasn’t actually happened yet it’s because we have a very low tolerance for uncertainty. It actually feels more comfortable to tell yourself something negative about the future than to acknowledge that it’s currently totally unknown. If negativity, or predicting things will be hard, are things you do a lot then they are within your comfort zone and familiar. As soon as you try to do things differently you’re going to get that tug of discomfort, not because you’re wrong to not tell yourself something is hard but because that thinking is unfamiliar. I think this is where the idea of being ‘realistic’ meaning the most negative outlook comes from. Or being logical or reasonable. There’s nothing logical about choosing to see reality as the worst outcome – that’s actually highly unproductive – but that’s often what we’re doing when we tell ourselves or others to “be realistic.”
“I’m so overwhelmed”
Once you’ve started getting into the habit of noticing when you’re telling yourself things are, or will be hard, look out for the other ways we can trap ourselves into negativity and paralysis too. ”I must be realistic” is a great example of this.. Look out also for other words that can have a similarly imprisoning impact – such as constantly repeating “I am so overwhelmed” or “I’m so stressed.” Most of the time when we say something like that we’re actually perpetuating the feeling and unconsciously sending ourselves the message we can’t cope.
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right
This is all basically about the power of belief. And belief is what human beings run on. There’s a Henry Ford quote I love that says “whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t you’re right.” Belief is an incredibly powerful tool for every human – but we don’t use it enough. We question whether something so intangible can really make a difference. But you don’t have to look far to find evidence of people who have overcome incredible odds thanks to belief. Even physical odds. And of course there will always be those who try to find a more scientific explanation for that – but belief IS science. It’s biology – it’s your reticular activating system rippling out to every other part of how you function, from your decision making, to the opportunities that you see or don’t see.
I’m a resilience coach and I know that we make it so much harder to adapt and thrive by not doing this stuff. Right now you have a huge amount of power to live your life the way you want to – and you’re not using it. Especially if you tell yourself everything is hard – or going to be hard – and like a struggle. If you don’t believe me then give self belief a go – block out a week to experiment with telling yourself something is doable rather than hard. Or that a situation is busy but not overwhelming. See if things change for you – and if they don’t then you’ve lost nothing and learned something. But I’m pretty confident that they will.
This is not toxic positivity
One note on this is, as I mentioned earlier, this is not about toxic positivity and denying negative feelings. If you feel sad or upset or you’re struggling, then not acknowledging that doesn’t make it go away. And will just make you feel even worse about yourself because you’re trying to force yourself to believe something you don’t. So, it’s often about finding neutral optimism instead. Choose words that acknowledge a situation but still feel empowering. For example, things are really busy right now and I can feel the impact of that on me so I’m going to do what I can. Instead I’m so overwhelmed and I can’t handle it. Those two have completely different energy and they will change everything, from how optimistic you are, how motivated you feel and what you consider to be easy or hard.
This kind of perspective shifting sounds so simple but it can change your entire life. Especially if you’ve spent a lot of it so far stuck in fear and negativity. It’s mindset work – and changing core beliefs and negativity habits – all of which is integral to what I do as a resilience coach. If you’d like this to be your new normal , come and book a free intro call with me.
