“Poor me,” “nothing ever works out for me,” “other people have all the luck,” “life isn’t fair.” We rarely say things like this out loud but there’s no doubt that we think them.
And that’s ok, sometimes. But the problem comes when these are frequent thoughts – because they are really disempowering. Complaining and pointing the finger can feel satisfying at the time. But when you’re telling yourself that other people – and the world – are against you and in control of you, it can leave you feeling pretty powerless.
Victim mindset = not your fault
Something I’ve noticed with victim mindset is that the blaming of others or complaining about unfairness often comes with being really, really hard on yourself. And it’s that self-criticism and lack of self-compassion that seems to make it so hard to actually take responsibility for things.
We avoid responsibility usually because we’re scared about what comes after that. If you can’t admit you’re wrong, for example, it’s unlikely that this is just who you are. And more likely that it wasn’t safe to admit being wrong when you were growing up – you’d have been humiliated, criticised or excluded if you did. And that’s what we often fail to appreciate with victim mindset – if you have it, it’s because at some point in your life someone has made you feel totally powerless. Like a victim.
Signs of a victim mindset
When something goes wrong you’re more likely to blame other people, or some external factor, and you’ll probably find it difficult to see how you contributed to a situation. Someone with a victim mindset often perceives the world as an unfair or unsafe place. Relationships feel really hard – there is little trust in others or in yourself – and you might be prone to catastrophising and ruminating over past hurt. Low self-esteem, social isolation and feeling unseen can also be part of this tough mindset.
We all want love
There is so little tolerance for self-pity, the clearest sign of a victim mindset. And yet it’s such an obvious signpost towards the fact that something really hard happened to this person at some point and the people around them at the time reacted in a way that made this current behaviour feel like the right choice. That’s how I tend to see it anyway.
No one really wants to be a victim. We have a victim mindset because it gets us something we feel like we otherwise wouldn’t be able to have – sympathy, validation, attention, support, love. Human beings all crave those things and so if self-pity or behaving like a victim are the only ways you know how to get them, no wonder those are behaviours you repeat. Of course, the problem is that this is manipulative and inauthentic behaviour and that undermines connection and drives people away. Which then makes the situation feel even worse.
Moving from powerless to empowered
There is a big difference between acknowledging that tough things have happened and feeling like the world is against you. Just as there is a big difference between forcing yourself to try and see only the positive in horrible situations and finding silver linings without invalidating how you actually feel. The difference is perspective/mindset – the lens through which we view everything. When you change your lens from “poor me” to “how can I help myself here” big shifts can occur. If you want to get out of a victim mindset, start like this:
- Forgive yourself for the victim mindset. I guarantee it’s not your fault you’re like this. That’s not an excuse to just keep doing it but being harsh on yourself, critical and mean to yourself will create more shame and anxiety, which will mean you keep resorting to the same tactics to try and get what you want. But when you forgive yourself and start to love yourself you’ll see that there is a different way.
- What can you take responsibility for? Being responsible for something acknowledges that you had the power to do it. And also that you have the power to do something differently. If it’s never your fault it’s also never your choice.
- Think about your identity stories. These are the things we tell ourselves on repeat about who we are. They influence how we behave. If yours are “no one likes me,” “I’m always left out,” “nothing ever goes right for me” etc then you are going to behave like someone who is always left out etc and perpetuate that cycle. Change any victim-based identity stories to something more empowering and then do one thing every day to prove to yourself that this is really who you are.
- Build up self-trust and self-esteem. Self-compassion is key for both of these and that brings us right back to removing that critical narrative – because why would you trust someone who is always being mean to you. There are simple ways to improve self-esteem and create more self-trust – treat yourself like someone you value and are trying to build a relationship with, for one.
- Break out of your patterns and start doing things differently. Sometimes we need to shock ourselves out of habitual behaviour. You can do this by continually asking yourself “how can I do this differently” and acting on the intuitive response. You don’t have to do it right, just differently. You can also do it by following up on the batshit crazy thoughts and ideas that you have. Take some calculated risks, show yourself that you can handle more than you could, that you’re capable of more than your anxiety tells you is possible. Break out of that small, scared place. And note that all of this is going to feel really uncomfortable – because it’s outside your comfort zone – but that isn’t a sign that it’s the wrong move. In fact it’s often indicating that it’s the right one. If you have a victim mindset and your behaviours feel comfortable, the likelihood is that you’re just repeating what you know.
I really feel for anyone who has a victim mentality because it is a hard and lonely place to be. No one sympathises with it, few people understand it and we are always expected to grow out of it without any real support to do so.
If you’re reading this then you’ve recognised that this is a problem for you – and that’s a great first step. The next one is to reach out and get some help so that you can move into more of an empowered, solutions-focused mindset instead. That transition is essentially becoming more resilient – because more resilience equals less of all the things that a victim mindset involves. It can be part of your resilience coaching experience – book an intro call with me to find out how.