Have you seen the John Lewis Christmas ad? It’s the one with the venus fly trap.
I am not really a fan of Christmas ads. Being someone who doesn’t tick many conventional boxes, ads that showed families with no flaws or differences used to feel like they were just rubbing my different-ness in my face. And then dad died two years ago at the start of December.. I mean if there’s anything that’s going to f*ck every subsequent Christmas up for you (for a while at least) it’s death.
Anyhoo..My point is..
Christmas ads? I’m going to turn the sound down, change the channel or pick up my phone, thanks
But for some reason I watched the John Lewis ad this year. Maybe because the beginning – where the little boy finds a seed in a box in an olde worlde market – looked a bit like Harry Potter. If you haven’t seen the ad, it’s essentially the story of how that seed grows into an affectionate (and huge) venus fly trap plant (called Snapper) that the little boy loves and which loves him. But his family are horrified and drag it outside into the cold – replacing it with a conventional Christmas tree.
I say that I watched this ad. Actually I was SOBBING. There is a moment where Snapper is shivering and looking back in through the window and realises it has been rejected and replaced by something easy and nice.. I’m tearing up as we speak tbh.
Why? Because I have always felt like an outsider. I have always felt like I am different. I have never fitted in. And I have felt rejected many times because of it. I feel you Snapper, I feel you.
But I think what I love most about this ad is the ending. Snapper doesn’t give up or run away and it doesn’t change what it is to try to get love (you see where I’m going with this right..). And on Christmas morning the little boy runs outside – followed by his family who are probably thoroughly bored with the dull old Christmas tree by now – and they put their presents in front of Snapper. Who promptly shreds the wrapping to create confetti cannons and spits all their presents at them. Suddenly its differences are part of its appeal. It’s glorious.
Part of you is still a child
I know none of you are children today. But we all carry a little child part inside of us where deep hurt and pain can live. Most of us turn away from that little part when we become adults because we don’t want to feel that pain. Which often leads us to maladaptive behaviours, numbing, dissociating and problems with anxiety and shame. That pain doesn’t go just because you’re not looking at it. What we resist, persists.
What that little part of you actually needs is to be heard (by you) and made to feel safe (by you). Whether that is through journaling and nervous system work or sitting quietly and listening to yourself. We do this in coaching – not the delving deep into your past (that’s therapy) – but looking at what is coming up for you right now, how you can respond differently and what you need to do to move past it. Often, it’s using simple techniques to make the part of you that carries fear, anxiety, hurt, sadness and shame feel safe enough to put those things down. Freeing up space for joy, creativity, adventure and peace. Book an intro call if you’d like to find out more.
The most valuable acceptance comes from within
The acceptance that takes place at the end of the John Lewis ad – the family coming back to Snapper – is often what we think we need if we have felt like an outsider in the past. But it’s not. External validation is nice but inconsistent and sometimes conditional. What most of us actually need is acceptance from ourselves. Love from ourselves. Self-love, self-acceptance and self-compassion are the most powerful forces on the planet. I know this because I went from zero to an abundance of them – and my life is totally different because of it. It was a big mistake (I can admit it) to dismiss these as weak and unimportant for so long.
So, now when I watch that ad I am still reminded of that old hurt because it’s still healing. But the big fat ugly tears I’m crying by the end are tears of joy. Because I don’t have to wait for anyone else to tell me I’m ok and let me back in from the cold – I already know this, right down to my roots.
And the funny thing is that, though I still don’t ‘fit in,’ I now feel more accepted and loved – and like I belong – than I ever have. Because of this bond I have with me. Which is an internal trust that has translated into feeling confident and courageous and calm. And it all started because I planted a seed of self-compassion and hoped like hell it would do something to help me grow.
Self-compassion is my new tradition – this year and every year. What’s yours?
Speaking of self-compassion..
..if you’d like to begin 2024 with a wave of the stuff I’ll be running a free ‘Start Your Year With Self-Compassion’ week, beginning on Jan 1st.
It’s nothing intense, just a week of thoughtful emails to help you get the right focus at the start of 2024.
