For a lot of people, the biggest gift we could give ourselves this year is to stop caring what others think. To no longer have that consciousness of judgments, reactions etc. It’s something we can get truly obsessed about and I think there is one very good reason for that: you never actually know what others think.
Are you psychic?
For most of us the answer to this question is no. And yet we behave as if we are. “They obviously think that…” “I just know they are judging me…” “I could see they thought this…” These are all things that we say to ourselves all the time – or think. I hear these things constantly in coaching sessions and every time I have to stop someone and say “do you ACTUALLY know that’s what they are thinking?” And the response is usually something along the lines of, no but I can just tell.
It’s a waste of time caring what others think..
Because you don’t know what that is. Even if you asked them directly you still might not get a straight answer. But the reality is that most of us don’t ask. We assume. And that assumption is rarely positive. So we make negative assumptions about what people are thinking – which are essentially fictional stories with no basis in reality – and then we torture ourselves with them or use them to reinforce our own negative narratives about who we are. It is the biggest waste of time and energy to have any focus at all on “what others think” because this is a fictional standard that you’ll never really have any clarity.
What you can do instead..
It probably sounds impossible right now but there are ways to stop caring what others think and maybe even stop being conscious that they are thinking things about you (which they might not be). You can go from someone who is obsessed with this to someone who barely ever thinks about it. It’s a process I’ve helped lots of people go through because it’s fundamental to resilience to not be constantly telling yourself negative stories, distracting yourself with false fiction and undermining your own confidence with assumptions. This is how we approach it:
- Instead of focusing on what others think, ask yourself what YOU think. This is often what’s missing in the process of filling in the data that drinks the narratives that create how we feel.
- Build up a solid foundation of you so that you have a very clear idea of who you are and whether you’re happy with your actions, words and life – so that what other people think becomes unimportant to you. This is something that we do through things like getting clear on your values, understanding your strengths and weaknesses, working out what matters to you and who you really are.
- Create internal validation. What you’re doing when you focus on the judgments of other people is looking for something in there to validate you as a person (or to confirm you’re not a good person if that’s your core belief). You can stop doing that by creating your own validation. This starts by removing those negative core beliefs that might be driving you to look for the wrong type of validation. And then by learning the tools and strategies of genuine, powerful internal validation that means you’ll have an internal barometer you can trust. Instead of looking outside yourself all the time.
Other people’s judgments matter 0%
You really can exist like this, I promise you. Alongside the steps above this is also about undoing the social conditioning and people pleasing that encourages you to prioritise what other people think in the first place. All of these we do in resilience coaching. Which is why it can feel like such a weight has been lifted from the first session alone. If you’re ready to experience that for yourself then book a free intro call with me. And let’s make 2025 the year that what other people think drops to the bottom of the list.
