Right now is when Instagram is full of inspirational content along the lines of “this time of year is when nature shows us the beauty in letting go.” And it is. But it’s not a great comparison because letting go isn’t something humans automatically do.
Why is letting go so hard?
If you find it hard to let go of past hurts, conversations, people, situations or things you’re completely normal. No one is dropping these things like conkers. And I think there are two things that are really important to note here:
- There’s often a reason you’re not letting something go. And it’s much more valuable to get curious about what that is than to try and force yourself to let go and shame yourself if you don’t. Forcing usually simply leads to the emotion being buried somewhere in you and continuing to leak its poison or springing back up when you least need it to.
- Letting go is going to be a different process for everyone because the things we’re holding onto and the way we hold onto them (and why) is different. What you might see as someone else easily able to let things go might be that. Or it could be that they compartmentalise (unhealthy), suppress things (same) or just refuse to feel what they no longer want to feel (a recipe for disaster tbh).
Here’s how I help my clients with letting go – by getting curious
- Do you actually need to let this go because a) you want to let it go or b) because you feel like you should? We are all on different timelines and if it’s b then you’re probably forcing it too soon.
- What’s the benefit in not letting go? This may not be an actual benefit, just the reasoning in your mind for holding onto it. When you identify this you’ll clearly see why you’re holding on to something.
- How can you get this benefit another way. E.g. if you’re not letting go of a toxic relationship because you fear being alone how can you soothe that fear so that it’s not controlling you anymore?
- What else are you afraid will happen if you let go? I.e. what meaning are you giving to this/stories are you telling yourself that are making it harder.
Like so many situations we get stuck in, trying to let something go and failing can trigger a lot of comparison, self-criticism and harsh self-judgment. None of this will make it any easier to let go. In fact, it’s going to make it a hell of a lot harder. So, give it a rest.
Switch to the curiosity approach instead and you might just uncover some insights that help you get unstuck and change how you respond to the things you find hard. At the very least you’ll be building self-trust by examining your responses, rather than criticising them. And feeling like you trust yourself can change everything. Want to know more about resilience coaching tools and techniques? Book a free intro call and let’s chat.
