There are many things I’d like to change about the world but one of the main things is how we think we have to struggle and work hard and be disciplined to get good things. Hard work gets results is one of the worst “motivational” phrases in my opinion. Hard work doesn’t get results as much as brilliant ideas do. Or having so much self compassion that you don’t give up in the face of failure. Or being so deeply connected to yourself that you’re not being held back by worrying what others think or doing what you think you “should” do rather than what you want to do or would enjoy. Or being so in love with what you’re doing that it doesn’t even feel like work.
Why do we focus so much on struggle?
The answer is capitalism. It’s a system that requires us to define our worth by how much we struggle. That tells us we can’t be worthy unless we’ve earned it. And that good things come to those who suffer first. That last one is probably religion derived. Good old religion, ruining the joy of being human at every opportunity and turning it into a tool for others to oppress us with.
Ifyou look at the distribution of wealth and power in the world, rarely have those who have the most of it worked the hardest for it. But that’s what capitalism doesn’t want you to know. Because who will run themselves into the ground working for the people on their yachts who have all the cash if we realise that we’re just keeping ourselves stuck on a hamster wheel of suffering by acting this way.
Is pleasure another way to get what you want from life?
What I want you to consider is if there is another way to get what you want from life. If you want self esteem, satisfying relationships, work you love, opportunities that are exciting, to feel good about yourself and excited about the future. If you want all that and you’re struggling to find it – to get the right mindset and habits etc – what if you’re just looking in the wrong direction? What if it’s not about hard work, discipline, pushing, a life that is 70% nose to the grindstone for 30% enjoyment. What if it could all come your way with much more ease by introducing more of one thing into your life?
The thing I’m talking about is pleasure. I bet you weren’t expecting that were you. Shameful, self indulgent, nice to have but not that really necessary pleasure.
But what if I told you that more pleasure could effortlessly move your life in the direction you’ve been trying to force it to go? Without the need for motivational techniques, depriving yourself or discipline?
Defining pleasure
Before I tell you how, let’s define pleasure first. It can be sexual but that’s just part of it. Do you actually know what pleasure feels like? For me it’s the sun on my skin. Floating on a wild body of water. Food that sets my tastebuds on fire. The feel of someone your nervous system loves. Snuggling my dog. Music music music. Orgasms are an intense moment of pleasure and are so good for you. Have more of those – on your own or with others – but pleasure in our bodies can arise in many other ways too. And we don’t do it often do we. It doesn’t feature much in our days even though our bodies are obviously designed to feel it often.
One perspective of pleasure I love is one of the Latin words often associated with it:
Delicia: delight / fun, activity affording enjoyment.
The science of pleasure
I’m a resilience coach and it’s my job to help you find ways to have more capacity for an incredible life. I’m not here yacking about pleasure because I think it’s something nice to enjoy. It’s because I have genuinely found in my life – and for many of my clients – that it delivers where other more ‘serious’ things have failed. Especially if you’re looking to improve motivation, mood and confidence. Here’s why.
Pleasure shifts your brain chemistry
When we feel pleasure the brain releases 4 feel good chemicals: oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and endorphins. When you’re full of these chemicals you’re much more confident, creative, bold and happy and we all know how much more powerful that makes us feel. Think about how much easier life becomes when you’re in that state. Everything from action to decision making is way more effortless for a person who is full of the joy of pleasure than someone who is stuck in anxiety or scarcity.
When we’re feeling it we’re not feeling anxiety
And that’s another thing about pleasure. If you’re feeling pleasure you’re not feeling anxiety, comparison, negativity or resentment – or any of the other things that keep us stuck and hold us back. It literally blocks them out.
Pleasure feels good in your nervous system too
It helps us access the calm state of flow we get when we’re alert, connected, focused and feel safe. This is the state where you’re not just at your happiest but also your most productive, innovative, assertive and confident too. Nervous system work is an essential part of resilience coaching because it’s not possible to be resilient when you’re in fight flight freeze. It’s so disruptive and makes everything feel like more of a struggle. A struggle you don’t need to stay stuck in once you learn nervous system flexibility.
Pleasure reduces pain
Pleasure even has a tangible physical impact on pain and is a really positive influence on stress. That’s because pleasurable experiences increase blood flow and release nitric oxide – this boosts neurotransmitters like beta endorphins. And that will dull pain and help us deal more effectively with stress.
It’s the ultimate self care
Taking pleasure in life is the ultimate form of self-care – you’re identifying what makes you feel good and doing more of it every day. Feeling good is a huge advantage – it will drive progress and growth more than struggle and denying yourself things ever will. Just think about the different way you feel when you’re full of pleasure and happiness – nothing will stand in your way – compared to when you’re exhausted, struggling and burned out. It makes so much sense to direct our efforts towards creating a physical and emotional state to be in from which we can actually thrive with more ease.
Pleasure is very personal. And I’d recommend you take some time to find out what makes you feel pleasure: notice when you’re feeling pleasure, that blissful sense of goodness. Connect to your senses more – pleasure is often physically driven, whether that’s hugs, something s*exual, the feeling of super soft fabrics, warm water, the taste of something incredible, hearing music that satisfies you or seeing incredible art or fashion. Make pleasure a priority in every day. Even if it’s something as simple as stopping to appreciate the sun or sliding your cold toes into an extra soft pair of cosy slippers (that’s one of my favourites).
Pleasure is not just a nice to have
We often view pleasure as a nice to have, an added extra in life. But it’s actually a really powerful force that can help you to access all the things you thought you’d have to do in a more boring and laborious way. Especially if you’ve tried all the serious mindset stuff and it hasn’t really worked. Motivation, confidence, courage, assertiveness, creativity – all these can get bigger and easier the more pleasure you intentionally bring in your life.
Resilience requires whatever makes YOU strong
My resilience model is about strengthening your system to move through life with more confidence, freedom and authenticity. That means finding out what creates those things in you – and what makes you feel powerful. Pleasure will do it for a lot of us. But we don’t use it because it’s been sidelined as ‘indulgent’ or s*xual and not adult or serious or useful. Which means you can create huge advantages for yourself by being someone who taps into this incredibly powerful human state, rather than denying. ignoring or suppressing it.
Shame and pleasure
There’s a lot of shame attached to pleasure for many of us, whether that has come from religion (sinful!) or social conditioning around it being indulgent. These narratives are used to try and control how much pleasure we allow ourselves precisely BECAUSE pleasure is such a powerful, liberating force.
Not convinced?
You may find all of this a bit lacking in credibility. A bit woo. Or maybe it doesn’t feel as believable as some of the more mind-based solutions to life. So, just try it for yourself. Start intentionally making time for pleasure in your day and see what it adds. Does it lessen your anxiety, increase your ideas and confidence? Does it make you feel connected to a part of you that feels the most powerful? Do you feel shame around it (you’re not alone if you do) and if so how could you break that wall down and live a life that’s more driven by what actually energises you?
I think it was Einstein who said it’s madness to keep doing the same thing and expect different results. So why not give this a try?
