I lost my dad in 2021 and it has slowly turned my emotional world upside down ever since. Which is not what I thought would happen. I thought that the big impact would be sudden. Dramatic. Obvious. Instead it has been gradual, sporadic, almost gentle. I can 100% say that grief has been nothing like I thought it would be – and, like most people, it’s left me often feeling like there is no ground beneath my feet. I often wondered if resilience + grief are at odds with one another.

We don’t talk about death

Why did I not expect to be knocked sideways like this? Because we don’t talk about death. We give our deepest sympathies but no one shares the details of what it’s like to lose someone important. And also because I think as adults we don’t expect the impact to be so seismic. Maybe if you lost a parent as a child you might allow yourself to feel it more – but at 40? I interviewed a grief specialist for my podcast last year and she explained how we have these maps in our minds about where the important people in our lives are, physically and emotionally. One of the reasons it takes so long to adjust to death like that of a parent, and why it hits so hard, is because they stay on our map for a long time after they’re gone – and that is confusing, upsetting and hurtful. It can feel like the world has gone mad.

Resilience + Grief – are they at odds?

The short answer is: no. Resilience + grief aren’t at odds – and you can change how you experience grief by being more resilient. My resilience practice, experience as a coach and the understanding I have of how my mind works didn’t make grief any less – but they have been invaluable. I now know that resilience is what creates the capacity for the self-kindness that holds you during grief. It’s what allows you to reach out for comfort and help – and also to keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. Self-soothing is a big part of being resilient – being able to validate and hold yourself in hard moments so that you can stay psychologically steady (or return to that steadiness without shame after a big emotional explosion). As well as being able to forgive yourself and avoid a shame cycle if you’re someone who worries about what others might think of a person sobbing in the street or not having the energy to wash their hair for a week (yes, hi it’s me). 

Resilience for life (and death)

These big life events tend to exacerbate whatever is already underneath the surface. Nothing is going to make grief feel any less intense. But having an understanding of how you think, why you do what you do, what your habitual reactions are to stress, fear, change etc – and knowing that you have options when overwhelming feelings arise – can give you choices in terms of how you navigate it.

Resilience tips for grief

Here are my top tips for approaching grief..

Bin off the 7 stages of grief

This theory of grief has been thoroughly debunked. If for no other reason than grief is never linear – you’ll get angry one day, be hopeful the next morning, depressed by the afternoon and accepting by the morning. Before it all repeats.

Accept that loss isn’t something you get over

You just heal around it.

Whatever you feel is ok

You will feel like a weirdo when you’re grieving because it won’t look like the cinematic version. Grief is different for everyone and that’s ok.

Your identity will shift

In fact, don’t be surprised if grief makes you question your entire identity – if you’re no longer your father’s daughter, a wife etc, who are you now? Very normal to experience this.

But there is freedom too

There is freedom in this intensity of emotion too. Grief isn’t fun but for me – and others I know – experiencing loss on that level has ended up putting other things in life into perspective and creating freedom to let go of the minutiae and see the bigger picture.

Love yourself

Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Love yourself. Every. Single. Day. This one is non-negotiable.

If you would like to find out more about tools for resilience in tough times get in touch.

Share this post