“Poor Alex. She is just too sensitive for this world.” I once heard someone say about me when I was a kid.
Now that I know what I know, and I’ve done what I’ve done, I’d like to go back to that person today and punch them in the… No, wait, sorry I mean set them right.
I’d say: “Incorrect my friend. At the age you were judging me, I just hadn’t learned self trust and how to handle the impact of life on my nervous system – yet.”
Yes, I am a sensitive little flower. As a child I was described as shy, sensitive, a daydreamer, thoughtful, quiet, reserved etc.
And yet – without changing that sensitivity (because I treasure it) – as an adult I get described as confident, assertive, kind, authoritative, bold, authentic, empathetic and courageous. Someone even called me a ‘powerhouse’ last year.
These things go together – sensitivity and confidence, thoughtfulness and authority. They may not fit with the dominant narratives of patriarchal bolshiness that you’re used to. But I am living proof that it’s the habits and behaviours we practice every day that make us able truly able to cope, to stand up for ourselves, to create, drive and thrive – not how loud we shout to cover our insecurities; how we seem to others.
Shyness is 80% learned..
So many of the things we describe as personality traits (“that’s just who they are/I am”) are actually learned behaviours, or the result of childhood trauma or experiences. 80% of shyness, for example, is learned. You probably learned as a child that you should be quiet, take up less space, not have too much personality etc.
But we will stay trapped in these things as long as we keep seeing them as who we are. Rather than just habitual thoughts and behaviours.
There are two ways to start to break this:
First, do some real self-discovery work (resilience coaching!). So that you can find out who you actually are, rather than assuming you are what other people see you as. Or continuing to believe the things your parents, teachers, relatives, old boss said.
Second, get clear on who you WANT to be. Anyone can be confident, resilient, motivated, assertive, empathetic, kind and courageous. These are learned behaviours not personality traits. But before you can be those things you’ve got to allow yourself to acknowledge that you want them. And you’ve got to actively create them.
And if you’re ready to actively create them then give me 2 months.. that’s all it takes with resilience coaching. Book a free intro call to find out more.
