It’s you.
The thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that you keep doing. The patterns that are repeating without you actually noticing. The assumptions you’re making about life and the perspective you’re using to interpret everything you see, feel and experience. One (or more) of these is keeping your confidence where you can’t reach it. And until you identify what that is, confidence is going to stay low and always feel just a little bit out of reach for you.
You can’t just create confidence can you?
Yes, actually you can. Because confidence has nothing to do with anything external and everything to do with your relationship with you. So stop waiting for it to happen – or to feel deserving of this magical thing that seems to somehow happen for some people but not for others. No one is born confident. Confident people learn the right mindset and habits at a young age and then keep doing them. That basic information is the only difference between someone who feels confident and someone who doesn’t.
But if you don’t have that then you’re going to go looking for confidence in the wrong places. Achievements, relationships, money, recognition. You may have noticed that none of these change how confident you feel for very long. Because the foundation of confidence is entirely internal – it’s how you connect to you.
And that’s why you can create confidence any time you choose
Simply by focusing on that connection, regardless of what is happening around you. It’s possible to find your confidence when you’re broke, lonely, when you’ve quit your job, when you’re sick, lost, stuck or just left a relationship. Yes, even at those points in life when confidence can seem the most out of reach because nothing seems to be going right. Even in those moments you can create the most life-affirming, comforting, empowering confidence for yourself.
This starts with a confidence audit – which is something I do as part of resilience coaching because building resilience and building confidence go hand in hand. As with any audit it’s all about getting clear on what’s right in front of your nose (those repeating patterns, behaviours and assumptions) so that you can take action to create the change you want to feel.
The basics of a confidence audit
- Focus on self-awareness so that you can see the patterns that are undermining your confidence and you now know what the obstacles are. Maybe this is habitual self-doubt that is your go to response to any challenge (very simple to change this one). Perhaps it’s a strong inner critic that tells you not to take risks or trust anyone (did you know you don’t have to listen to this voice? It’s not as hard to tune it out as it may seem).
- Get very clear on who the real you is. Authenticity is the foundation of confidence (and also of resilience) – knowing who you are and what really matters to you. If I asked you “who are you?”for example, could you answer this question without using any of the roles you play in life? (parent, sibling, job title etc). If not, then there is work to do.
- Build an unshakeable connection to yourself. This all comes down to self-trust. The Latin root of the word confidence (confidere) means “to trust completely.” Often, misunderstanding this basic functionality of confidence is the reason why so many of us don’t feel like we can build it. So, with a confidence audit we’re looking at where self-trust is being eroded and how to build more of it.
- Reframe your view of confidence. Confidence happens through action – which means that to build confidence you first have to take action while you don’t feel confident. While you feel anxious, doubtful or scared. We spend so long waiting to feel confident before we start but it’s the doing that creates the confidence not the other way around. This is a reframe most of us desperately need because we can’t build confidence if we don’t really understand how it works.
Confidence feels magic
…but there’s nothing mystical about how to create it. Every word or action you use every single day is creating something in you. Right now maybe that’s self-doubt or anxiety or procrastination. But tweak what you do and think every day, just a little, and you’re going to be able to put that energy into creating something else entirely – confidence, resilience, motivation, take your pick.
I used to have zero confidence – I know how painful that feels. Now I help others find their confidence – and sustain it. Not “at the right time” or when things are going well but whatever the current situation i.e. right now. If you’re ready to claim your confidence then the good news is none of this is rocket science. You don’t have to be worthy of it or ready for it, you just need to know how it works and then put that into practice. It’s so simple, anyone can do it. Book an intro call with me and I’ll show you how.
