“We’re not exclusive.” The most artificial distinction in dating..
And a good example of how social conditioning can be confusing and restrictive in some of life’s most vulnerable moments. And why a resilient mindset – which backs your gut feelings and needs – is so important in this super vulnerable area of life.
Hello Cool Girl dating..
I am of the generation taught to be “the cool girl.” She does relationships without embarrassing emotions, has no needs, and who accepts “the rules.” This never served me and breaking out of it led me away from poor choices and towards internal validation and feeling empowered, whether single or coupled up. One of “rules” that is often most misused in dating – especially today – relates to being exclusive.
We weren’t exclusive..
Being exclusive – i.e. a relationship where you’re not seeing other people – can be a clear moment of agreement that two people have reached a certain stage. That’s great.
What’s not great is when this ‘rule’ gets used as a tool to invalidate feelings. Or having a naturally hurt response to a connection getting broken. Or when it’s used to justify a lack of openness. I once dated someone who was also juggling 4 other women (where did he find the time..) but – because we weren’t ‘exclusive’ felt like there was no need to be up front about this. Lifestyle choices aren’t the problem – lying about them (even just by omitting the truth) is. I think he knew that I wouldn’t want to be part of his harem if I knew the truth and he felt okay in not telling me because I wasn’t in a position of value (a girlfriend) i.e. we weren’t exclusive. Artificial rules like this aren’t an excuse for poor behaviour. And yet I see so many friends and clients who remain stuck in trying to follow them – and who think they still matter – to ‘get dating right.’
The truth about dating is..
YOU get to define how you want to do dating. And when it comes to exclusivity, no two connections are the same. That’s why it’s more helpful to look at the reality of what you’re doing with someone. Rather than using a generic yardstick like this.
Here are two, very different non-exclusive situations:
A. You meet up, you have sex. You don’t spend any time together outside of that. Or have any deep conversations or daily interaction.
B You’re emotionally and physically intimate, doing couply things, messaging every day, making plans, being vulnerable.
A is quite clearly a lot less emotionally involved than B but they’re both non-exclusive.
Why am I going on about this?
Because I feel like anyone who has an emotional response in relationships and dating gets frequently invalidated by these fake rules. Rules that seem to be set up by avoidant people who are scared of emotions. Why are we perpetuating that when it’s so bad for everyone? If you are avoidant and scared of emotions then it’s no help to you to have those limits reinforced.
And besides that, in any situation – I’m just using dating as an example – where you’re basically being told your reaction is too big for the facts, I’d always encourage you to take a step back and think “is it though?” We live in a society that often labels the openly emotional person as less mature, resilient or controlled. But the person who is too scared to even navigate emotion – and who shames someone else for having a perfectly expectable emotional response – is actually more stuck in a childlike (and often very painful) place. It’s time to get real about this stuff, challenge everyone to do better and stop the shame.
Why am I talking about dating as a resilience coach?
Because relationships are an area of vulnerability where you need to back yourself and your needs – especially if this is a part of your life where you want something different now. And that’s what being more resilient does.
Book an intro call with me if this is an area you’d like some coaching support with.
