Whenever someone comes to me for confidence coaching there is always a point at which we end up redefining what confidence really is. Confidence coaching is inherent in resilience coaching because confidence and resilience are both built on the habits and thoughts that you do and have every day. They also feed each other – so, working on confidence can make you more resilient, and vice versa. When it comes to confidence coaching that works it all starts with what you are trying to achieve.
What is confidence?
It’s all about trust – in yourself. My (rather tenuous) grasp on Latin indicates that this is embedded in the word itself – con (complete) fidere (trust). I know that we tend to view confidence as an outward manifestation that looks like happiness, smiling, effortlessly doing hard things etc. But it’s actually something internal. It’s not about what you show to the world. It’s about how you feel inside – about you and about the world around you. Confidence coaching can be vital to get to the root of what is stopping you from feeling that trust in yourself. Sometimes, it’s as simple as never having learned how to build it up – or not really understanding how it works.
How does confidence actually work?
It seems to me that we often confuse confidence with the positive outcomes of being more confident. I have certainly spent plenty of time in my life waiting to feel confident before I start doing something. I probably didn’t really know what I was waiting for. Just that feeling of certainty that what I was about to do was a good idea and that success was certain. One of the ways that confidence coaching can really help is to move you on from this idea that you need to feel confident before you actually start something. Because the reality is that confidence is built through doing. It’s the doing that drives confidence, not the other way around.
Confidence also requires a lot of self-compassion
As confidence is being generated by your inner world, the narratives that exist in there really matter. The way that you talk to yourself can give you the momentum to take action to build confidence – and to do things when you feel scared – or it can make you feel unable to take risks and unwilling to even start something you don’t 100% know will work out for you. Life is a battle – it’s hard, right? Do you want to go into battle with someone next to you telling you that you’re broken, incapable, a failure and to not even bother trying? Or someone telling you that they believe in you, you’ve got this, you can handle it? That’s literally all self-compassion is.
Science says you need self-compassion for confidence
There are now studies that show that how we talk to ourselves has a physical impact on our bodies. If your inner narrative is cruel and harsh it can trigger your fight, flight or freeze response – in fact it can trigger this more powerfully than an external event – which means that you are walking around experiencing a reaction as if you were being attacked or threatened. And triggering this in yourself. All the time. When we’re in fight, flight or freeze mode we can’t get perspective, think clearly, plan, regulate emotions etc Instead, our bodies take internal power from all but the most essential mechanisms for fighting or running away. Or just shut down completely. So, this is not a state in which we can build confidence – and it’s definitely not resilient.
Self-compassion is kindness + action
While self-compassion is about kindness, that’s not all we’re talking about here. Firstly, it’s that kind inner voice that says “ok, you failed. That’s ok. Failing doesn’t make you any less of a worthy human being. I still love you.” You may think this sounds unimpressive. However, it has a powerful effect because the impact of that on your body is to soothe your nervous system. It can bring you out of fight, flight or freeze mode. It can burst the all-consuming balloon of anxiety or shame and allow you space to find solutions and next steps. In short, it frees you up so that whatever has just happened is not the end of the line.
And then there is the second part of self-compassion, which sounds more like “I want to succeed. So what can I learn here and how can I do it differently?” And this is why it’s so vital for confidence and resilience. If you are gripping on for dear life during the tough times there’s going to come a point where you just snap. But if you’re fluid and compassionate you can adapt, regroup, try again and think differently as many times as you need to. You can get curious about problems, rather than be overwhelmed by them, and you can keep doing and experimenting and being kind to yourself no matter what happens.
2 Confidence coaching tips
So, all of this theory is fine and interesting but you’re probably more interested in how you can start when it comes to confidence coaching. Well, first of all I’d recommend booking in an intro call with me. This is how you find out more about how resilience coaching will help you build a confidence practice. And then there are also a number of simple things you can try:
- Practice self-compassion. Listen out for that harsh inner voice in your head. Notice how it affects you physically and what it does to your confidence and your ability to keep doing and keep going. Try swapping out the harsh narrative for something more compassionate – as set out above.
- Get clear on where you want to feel more confident. Make a list. Write out the actions that you’re not doing. Note what it is you feel like you’re waiting for. Start doing those things now no matter how you feel when you begin – if you’re scared, do it scared.
And 2 more..
- Review how you feel about discomfort – do you feel it and interpret it as a sign to stop what you’re doing or to withdraw? One of the most powerful steps in confidence coaching is learning to simply weather that feeling, to recognise that all it’s saying is that you’re on the edge of your comfort zone (i.e. what you’re used to). Get comfortable with discomfort.
- Reach for the things you’ve not allowed yourself so far. We place all sorts of limits on ourselves via what we think is ‘acceptable’ or ‘ok for someone like me.’ Half the time this is purely the result of social conditioning and other people’s fears. So, look at where you’re limiting yourself in this way, give yourself permission to want the things you want – and then create those milestones and actions for moving towards them.
Confidence coaching and resilience coaching are part of the same bundle. If you’d like to find out more about how you can build more confidence and trust in yourself in just 6 weeks – and what you can do with resilience coaching – get in touch to book an intro call and find out more.
