Christmas is a time of togetherness and celebration… happiness and indulgence.. and shame. Yes, shame. There I said it, just call me Grinch.
Whether it’s being single-shamed by your relatives, or shaming yourself for eating too much – or not feeling as grateful as you “should” at this time of year – shame can be as ever-present as the baubles on the tree. Which is why I feel like it’s worth a pre-Christmas chat about it.
There is nothing wrong with you..
Shame is something I talk and write about often because it’s the enemy of resilience. And it’s a burden many of us carry without realising. It distorts your view of the world – and of yourself – to something cruel and unforgiving, making you feel on a deep level that it’s not ok to be you. That can make every day feel so f*cking painful. And is also just totally wrong.
My experience as a coach is that we don’t always recognise that shame is what we’re feeling – we are just carrying a sense of being an outsider, not right, unacceptable, unlovable or like something is wrong with you. And the challenge with that is, until you realise what you’re feeling is shame, you don’t see that it’s a weight you can (and must) learn to put down.
Shame is a killjoy of massive proportions..
Shame ruins things for us – an encounter at the gym becomes hours of self-criticism for saying the wrong thing or huffing your coffee breath in the other person’s face. Shame makes small mistakes burn. It tells you that your interest in another person is not wanted. That you are unacceptable, broken, hateful, embarrassing, a loser, a freak or even repulsive, disgusting, hopeless, a mess and completely unlovable. This is just a small sample of the language it uses. The language we use on ourselves.
Shame resilience is the way forward.
Shame resilience comes when we develop a mindset that can give us distance from the overwhelming impact that shame can have. Feeling shame because of what someone else does or says, or shaming yourself, is a learned response. That’s all it is. It’s just a habit. Albeit one that can feel impossible to escape at first (it’s not). Imagine, for a moment, what life would be like if that feeling was just not part of your daily experience anymore.. what would be there instead?
Shame resilience = freedom
Shame doesn’t just feel horrible, it will stop you making progress because it keeps us permanently stuck in negative cycles. Studies have found that people who feel a lot of shame go on to repeat the behaviours that cause shame. Whether that is prisoners reoffending or someone drinking again to ease the shame over what happened when they were last drinking. But when we learn how to step out of shame when we are feeling it, we break the cycle. Do this again and again and you break the habit completely.
Tackling shame is something I do a lot with my clients. I recently finished coaching someone who said it felt like “finally letting in the sunlight” into her mind when she was able to see herself and her life through a perspective that wasn’t tainted with shame. It’s life changing.
Two ways to start building shame resilience:
1. Become very aware of how you experience shame. Awareness is always the first step to change. What are your triggers? What shaming thoughts do you have the most? Imagine turning to face these thoughts as if they were something separate to you.
2. Share how you feel with someone you trust.. Shame cannot survive compassion or empathy. Which is often why feelings of shame come with an “I must never, ever tell anyone this” narrative. But this is wrong. And you must. Share with a trusted friend, family member or coach. Not because a problem shared is a problem halved but because a problem shared is often put into perspective. So that you can see it’s not just you, you’re just human – we’ve all been there.
How I can help you build shame resilience in 2024
Book a free intro call with me to see how we can completely shift your experience of shame through 1:1 coaching, starting in Jan or Feb.
Or take a look at my Change Your Mindset programme, which is 6 weeks of resilience coaching that covers all the areas where shame often bites that hardest, dealing with limits like the inner critic and procrastination (which is actually a form of shame).
If shame haunts you, please know that there is nothing wrong with you. And you don’t have to keep feeling like this. Freedom is possible. And probably closer than you think.
