(and stop people pleasing)
Here’s the short answer: stop making what other people think is important a priority.
I recently interviewed an incredible people pleasing expert for my podcast, Notes on Vulnerability (the new season starts early next year). She explained that people pleasing essentially has its own history because those of us who got stuck in it were raised in the Age of Obedience. If that’s you then you’ll know that feeling of trying to live up to some kind of invisible standard of goodness that you inherently understand is what will make you lovable and accepted. Society, culture, education, parents all instilled this in us as children and it essentially diverted us away from the ability to make choices genuinely based on our wants and values. Crucially, it also muted the ability to say no, especially when it comes to making what others value a priority in our lives.
And this is often why today I find clients coming to me at the ripe old age of 30 or 40, 50 or 60 with this sense that they have been living their lives according to someone else’s priorities. It’s not something we do consciously, it’s conditioning. But it can leave us feeling incredibly resentful, dissatisfied and angry. One of the places this often shows up is when it comes to what we do for work.
Why do you do what you do?
85% of people hate their jobs (according to a Gallup poll). Are you one of them? We spend roughly 90,000 hours at work in the course of our lifetime and yet really significant numbers of us hate what we do. Not mildly dislike but hate.If you take a step back from that for a second it’s insane. Each one of us is some kind of miracle of stardust and yet we are content to dedicate all that time to something that brings us no joy. Needing to keep a roof over your head is a key driving factor, of course. But the idea that you can only do this by committing to work that makes you grind your teeth so hard you create ridges inside your mouth (me when I was a lawyer) or which is literally making you depressed isn’t necessarily true.
What if it was possible to centre what you value in your work and still earn what you need?
In fact, what if doing that was the way to make more money than you’d ever dreamed of? That seems to be the possibility that few of us consider to be realistic.
Often the same goes for the way we live too. We’d like to live a more eco lifestyle, speak up on certain issues, ignore certain cultural expectations (whether that’s booze culture or around having a family) or not have social media. But something makes us feel like that’s a bad idea. Because it would make us different. Of course there is no denying that humans need each other. We are tribal and still carry the echoes of safety in numbers. And often, what we’re doing when we ignore what we value and focus on others’ priorities instead is channelling this instinct. We are trying to fit in.
Why now is the time to think about yourself and your values
There is no minimum age limit at which it starts to become acceptable to finally think about yourself and what you value in life. Do it right now. The idea that you only get to do this after you’ve worked a 9-5 for the best years of your life, raised your kids and ticked all sorts of other conventional boxes is wildly out of date. It’s also the reason that so many of us find ourselves so critically unhappy as we age ( a direct consequence of that Age of Obedience training). We do the things we think you “should” do. Anything else is selfish. Anything else will mean you don’t fit in. Right?
But fitting in is not the same as belonging. Belonging is the connection you find when you are being yourself, living true to your values. Fitting in is the suppression of what you are to try to avoid rejection. And we can only keep that up for so long.
What are your values?
I don’t have the answers in terms of what to do about this on a societal level. But I do know where you can begin on a personal one. If you want to centre what you value in your life and work then you need to know what that is. What do you actually value? Not the things you might have been taught are acceptable to value (kindness, being humble etc) but the things that really matter to you.
Often, identifying your actual values is part of the process of resilience coaching. Because real resilience requires a clear understanding of who you are and what matters to you. It’s like establishing an internal compass. Something as simple as asking yourself what really annoys you can reveal this. It will show you the value that is being breached in that moment.
Once you know what your genuine values are, the next steps are simple. Make these values the central guiding principle for all your decisions. Offered a new job? Does taking it align with your top values? If it doesn’t then why are you considering taking it.. For example, if you know your top value is freedom but you’re about to sign on the dotted line for a job that is office-based, likely to have you constantly tied to your phone and giving up evenings and weekends, what’s motivating you to take it? The money? But that’s not on your list of what you value so..
Where focus goes, energy flows
You can see how this works. We are basically taking the focus off the reasons for doing things that many of us commit to without thinking – or because it’s what “other people do” – and moving it into a much more empowered place of “do I actually want this.” This is life changing stuff in that it will make you happier (how could it not), less of a people pleaser and also able to drop all the “shoulds” and expectations. You’ll also be able to drop all the juggling of whether you’re doing the right thing according to all those external standards. Because you’re replacing them with a very clear internal guidance that is coming from a source that is consistently connected to what you value – that source is you.
If you feel an urge to start living more closely aligned with what you value then you may need to start by giving yourself permission to explore this. And getting help can be key – because, thanks to our conditioning, it’s not something many of us can do without a bit of guidance. This is where I can help because helping you get clear on your internal compass is a big part of what I do.
Resilience coaching can set you on a whole new path this year – your true path, one that feels clear and calm and with what you really value centred firmly in life and work.
Are you ready for a life that really works for you? If you’re curious about how I could help you book a free intro call.
