Session 1 of resilience coaching is all about the “why.” We take an in-depth look at what has brought you to me, where you want change to happen, what’s standing in the way of that and what we need to do to move you past it. And in this initial session, one of the most common sentences I hear is this one: “I feel like I’m letting people down if I say no.” It is almost always followed by “I struggle to set boundaries,” “I don’t feel confident or assertive” and “anxiety is constant and overwhelming” (and/or “I feel so angry/resentful”).
I get this..
I feel very well placed, personally, to help with this. Alongside years of coaching expertise, I also have an understanding of how this feels. I have gone from being a people pleaser with no confidence to someone who can set boundaries, regulate my emotions when I’m triggered and who genuinely does feel confident and happy in themselves even though life isn’t perfect. And, wow, does the world look (and feel) different through this mindset.
It’s important to be able to say No.
Not being able to say No is not a sustainable way of living. But when you feel like the worst could happen if you do say it then it’s a place where you can be trapped. I think the worst thing about this is that no one is going to come and save you from this. You aren’t going to suddenly be rewarded with all your dreams coming true just because you’ve never said no to anyone. In fact, it’s more likely to be the opposite.
Question: why are you prioritising other people over yourself?
Because this is what you’re doing when you don’t say no. You’re abandoning you. To try and avoid anxiety. You may have seen it as keeping the peace, or being nice so others will like you, but the cold, hard reality is that doing this damages connections because you’re not being honest. And it can leave you feeling resentful because – in simple terms – you won’t get what you want from your life if you never make your life a priority.
But when you stop doing it? This happens:
“I finally felt like I was being myself and being honest with people – the relief was huge. I just don’t have the same anxiety anymore.” (My client, Rachel).
Using resilience coaching for change
Ultimately, not being able to say No is just habitual behaviour. It’s not part of your personality. You learned it at some earlier point in life and, even though it may not be serving you anymore, you’re still doing it. It’s out of date and unhelpful but familiar. We all do this. And we all suffer for it – until we realise we can stop.
My approach as a coach is to show you exactly how to stop. It’s not hard, it’s just understanding how your brain works. I can help you move from people pleasing (or self-doubt or negativity) to ease with boundaries, creating confidence and feeling more optimistic and empowered. We’ll tackle both the practical steps to help you do this and also the emotional response you’re likely to have and how to manage that.
Anyone can make this shift from guilt to freedom – and it will change your life to do it. Here’s how:
Book an intro call to chat about how resilience coaching could help you tackle your challenges.
Join Change Your Mindset to go from people pleaser to confident with boundaries in just 6 weeks.
