Did you know that being judgmental – to yourself or to others – is actually bad for your health? Human beings make judgments. It’s part of what it means to have strong opinions and to form perspectives in the wake of your own experiences. However, there is a difference between making judgments (what we value or don’t for example) and being judgmental. Judgmental is the voice in your head that makes you feel like you shouldn’t have done something (“should” is always a great indicator that something negative is at work). It’s about criticism and shame. It’s something you might have been raised to believe was vital for staying on the straight and narrow. But I’m here to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Why do we opt for criticism and judgment?
Habit. Like pretty much everything we do it’s because a way of thinking has become a habit. Which – of course – means that it can be changed. Here are a few ways you might have got into this habit:
- You were criticised as a child and learned this as a way of communication.
- You were criticised as a child and learned that correcting and criticising others is how you show love and care.
- Criticising others feels good (research has found that this can actually be a self-soothing behaviour).
- You believe that criticism is necessary. For example, for progress, growth, achieving your goals etc. This is the ‘pushing and discipline’ perspective that says gentleness and nurturing are weak and soft.
Note that you may be in the habit of self-judgment and criticism without actually viewing it as a habit. It might be something that just feels like part of who you are. Especially if you see it as necessary to success. But stop for a second and think about how far it’s really got you. Do you have what you want in life? Are the good things in life due to this attitude? Has this actually got you to where you want to go? Or has it been an obstacle. For most of us the answer will be that this has held us back. Because self-criticism is about forcing and not thriving. And it’s actually much more likely to shut down your potential than help you fulfill it. Here’s why.
Self-criticism is actually hurting your body
Self-criticism triggers the threat system in your body – yes, that’s right it causes a physical reaction. In fact, it’s the same physical reaction – fight or flight or freeze – that you would have if someone was bearing down on you with a knife. Or if a lion jumped out of your wardrobe. The brain releases stress hormones like cortisol. The sympathetic nervous system kicks in and your body is ready to react to the threat. Except the threat is you. Which means it never really goes away.
The thing about the threat system is that it’s only meant to be used occasionally – for actual threats that require us to run, fight or play dead. Let’s face it, for most of us those aren’t a particularly common occurrence. The human body can tolerate periods of stress but not on a regular basis. It’s not designed to be permanently in this state. That’s not how you step into the best version of yourself because, in that state, all that matters is survival. So, if you are often in this state it will mean that you’re permanently experiencing all the things that you’d expect if you were in a place of high alert, such as problems sleeping, problems with digestion, spiralling anxiety, intrusive thoughts and a racing heart.
Self-criticism is also hurting your mind
If any more evidence was needed of how damaging self-criticism and shame are it’s that both are common across all mental health issues. You don’t get anxiety, depression or low self-esteem without them. Both can have very powerful negative effects on your emotions, as well as your body and brain.
Self-criticism to motivate
The idea that self-criticism is a tool for motivation is something I come across often. In fact, I grew up with this philosophy. It will help you achieve around a fifth of what you’re actually capable of. Maybe less. And it will feel like a struggle the entire time. It just doesn’t have to be this way. Because there is another system in the body that actually does set you up to thrive – the nurturance and soothing system. The parasympathetic nervous system is what is activated when people are warm and kind to us – when we feel safe. We are able to self-soothe, releasing oxytocin into the system and that is way more powerful when it comes to being a motivated and effective human being. Why? Because if you want to feel confident, empowered, assertive, decisive and focused then first you need to feel safe.
Are you afraid of self-compassion?
Learning that all you have to do to start getting what you want from life is act to soothe your nervous system feels like a big secret. It’s also something that many people simply don’t find believable before experiencing it for themselves. It’s just not what we’re taught is it. We learn from an early age that hard work gets results, that we must compete with others, that struggle equals success and that nothing good comes easy. I’m not questioning the fact that it takes effort and enthusiasm to get to where you want in life. But can you imagine how much easier everything would feel without the anxiety, the sleeplessness, the stress, the distress?
Luckily you don’t have to just imagine it, as there is a simple tool that will take you directly there: self-compassion. This is of course a word that many people seem to have an aversion to. The idea that you can be successful by being kind to yourself goes against pretty much every piece of messaging society throws at us. But this is it – this is what matters. And, even if it goes against every fibre of every idea you have about success and how to get there, I would urge you to try swapping criticism for compassion for a period of time and see what happens.
I am so confident about this I don’t even feel the need to throw statistics at you or ‘prove’ that this is something effective to try. Just try it – for a week, a month if you can – and you’ll see for yourself. So, what would that actually look like?
- Notice the self-critical thoughts when they are there. Start to distance yourself from them so that they start to feel like just another narrative not the narrative to listen to. One useful way to do this can be to imagine yourself removing them from your mind and placing them on a table in front of you so you can just observe them.
- Look out for “should.” There are few occasions where this word gets rolled out where it’s not being used for judgmental purposes, whether that is against you or others. If you hear yourself say it, ask yourself what you’re actually trying to say, what fear is being revealed, or are you trying to avoid direct language. Do you actually want to say “I don’t want to do that” rather than “I should do that”?
- Start a self-enquiry practice. Use all the tools at your disposal to start understanding yourself better. Read your user manual so that you can start to proactively be more compassionate to yourself. This could be regularly journaling on “what do I need right now?” “what do I believe to be true in this situation?” It might be signing up for some coaching sessions or one of my Insight Sessions. It could be regularly making time to listen to what’s happening inside. Or to get clear on your values, look at where your life feels onerous and hard and start working out why you do what you do.
- Be relentlessly compassionate. Self-compassion takes more effort than self-criticism, especially if it’s a habit you need to break. So, you need to start being relentless about noticing the self-criticism, distancing yourself from it and choosing a more compassionate response instead.
People often come to coaching because life just hasn’t worked out the way they planned. And yet there is still a reluctance to let go of whatever narratives or habits might have led to this point of disappointment. If that sounds like something you resonate with, one of the fastest ways to start creating change is to swap self-criticism for self-compassion. Book a free intro chat with me to find out more – or have a look at the learning in the online courses I offer as tools for change.
